My own emotions are things I often have difficulty identifying and acting on. I find it strange but I often wonder if part of the reason that I’m polyamorous is because I find it so much easier to identify and act on emotions at one remove.
Falling in love, as this blog has frequently mentioned, is something I find pretty painful. It’s too intense for me, I’ve been wondering lately if I’d somehow grown out of it or if perhaps the young adult version of falling in love was high on the drama.
Certainly my polyamory seems to be very chilled out and settled, I like it. The best thing about being in love with the Jellicle Cat is how relaxed it is. It has always been something I described as being like coming home. I love being in love with her.
I think generally, though, I struggle to recognise my own feelings unless I can take my time over them. It has been a long time since I felt totally blind-sided by them but I think that sometimes I only realise how much someone means to you is when something horrible happens. I don’t know if it’s usual, it certainly feels very over the top to me, but I can go from worrying that I am detached from my emotions to almost totally and very physically overwhelmed by them.
I’m glad though, even when I’m blind-sided, the polyamory means I get to come home to my Jellicle, I get to be loved by M-i-L and those things don’t hurt.