CW: Suicide
I have a real problem with suicide. I’m technically too old to be an Emo and too young to have been an actual Goth. (Though tell that to the neighbour who called eighteen year old Mish’s dyed black hair a phase). But I’ve got the Anxiety, Depression and Suicidal Urges to go with the black clothes and eyeliner.
Apparently suicide ideation is common if you’re neurodiverse and undiagnosed. So, I’m not quite a pretty little snowflake.
I don’t properly remember when suicide wasn’t a relieving thought for me, the idea of not being literally gives me thrills? Sensations of relaxation? Something akin to contentment anyway.
Like anything that bugs me I make it a joke. It’s got to be alright if there’s enough Gallows’s Humour about it right?
I worry though, about the amount to which my suicides have become a joke in LARP. I’d rather people did make jokes, but at the same time lately I scared myself and I wondered if my killing myself should be so much of a joke?
That way lies guilt about allowing people to laugh in a way they may later regret, is that a weird coping mechanism? After all they won’t regret anything if I stay alive.
Still it remains a joke, because who wants to take me seriously when I tell everyone my suicides are wish fulfilment?