Why don’t I feel like I’ve lost control over my life?
Where’s the panic and anger and fear that I see all over facebook and the mainstream media?
Am I not paying enough attention? Do I trust the government too much or do I believe in myself too much?
This is serious, I could die, but I don’t feel like I have any less control over my life than I previously had. I guess I feel like I’m choosing to stay in, which is presumably what the government intended to make it feel like by not actually imposing martial law.
A friend’s mother died the day before yesterday, she was in hospital and my friend couldn’t visit her. Yesterday it was confirmed that she died of COVID-19. That could happen to my Dad, he’s regularly going into hospital for treatment. I will feel utterly miserable if that happens but I can’t get myself worked up about it, I feel sad of course, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent it that I’m not already doing.
She’s angry today, angry about relentless and thoughtless positivity on facebook. Is that what I’m doing? I don’t feel especially positive, I am taking the time to enjoy my tea and in the morning and The Jellicle being home. I think that’s just me trying to cheer myself up though, I don’t think I’d call this a gift. A wake-up call maybe.
I guess I’m used to feeling that certain things are out of my hands? I don’t know how accurate that perception is but I don’t really feel like there’s anything out of my hands that isn’t usually. There’s a new threat, there are steps to counter it, I’m taking those steps but that’s as much as I can do. Why panic or worry about things I cannot control?
I think I’m either very in touch with myself and my emotions or I’m somehow missing something that everyone else knows and I’m not getting. Am I a zen master or just incredibly thick?
I think what other people are missing that I have isn’t my health experiences but rather my job. This support work of mine, it’s not going away any time soon. The Jellicle and Imp are luckily enough in similar situations and The Jellicle doesn’t get the risk associated with mine and Imp’s.
Now sure, if the system turns completely upside down then the money for my looking after vulnerable people may well evaporate but right now I’m not about to be fired, furloughed or asked to work reduced hours. If anything the opposite. My Awesome Boss is currently topping up our pay when on isolation to full, I don’t know if that will last but this week it’s very welcome.
I’m no zen master, I’ve just got lucky within a capitalist system. There’s no congratulations for a cool head here, and maybe no beration for being out of touch. There’s just a dice roll that I got lucky with.