I fell in love again.
I’m really not very good at this, I wonder if anyone is or if it’s just me that wanders through life cocking up. This is the third time I’ve fallen and not noticed, well at least last time I noticed as I was falling and managed to clamber out of it a little…loving like a sister is hard work.
The first time I fell for a man I at least had the decency to fall for one who loved me back, or said he did anyway. But being sixteen and in love is, I think usually at least, a recipe for disaster. At sixteen your emotions are still too raw…hell mine are still too raw today, they’re too unformed not like all the adults who seem to have a way of toning down what they feel all ready and prepackaged for human consumption whereas me, well I’m still stuck in that adolescent phase of ‘look a me look at me LOOK AT ME!!!!’ What else is this webpage about?
Sixteen and in love and way too intense for any sane person. I never fall for easy people; I mean people who are easy to be with, I just end up loving them, often just as intensely as those unfortunates my heart seems to pounce on. My lovely easy friends who I would quite cheerfully force myself to live without. You see? I think its not human emotion sometimes that runs around these valves and chambers. You see? How adolescnet I am? Haven’t you all noticed how really self-involved I am? I think people just see what they want to see, myself included.
I fell in love and then became the last person my beloved would associate with for two years. I thought it was forever at the time. It felt as though he’d died, or I’d died.
And for some reason I thought that my emotions had become more reasonable. Then I caught myself falling for another, nearly did but its amazing what the object of your affection getting a girlfriend does for your heart. It’s like being frozen in ice. Its as though you’re frozen and then everything gets kind of twisted up as though the emotions within you were in the middle of a klaidescope and the patterns it was making aren’t pretty.
I know myself, I know myself very well and I enjoy my own company, I love being with myself. And I know what I can’t do. I know what I can give to people, but it seems I can never give the right things to the right people. It seems that Mish being in love is not reasonable, doesn’t seem like it ever was. Wrong Mike can’t understand why I am just as romantic in my head as he is and yet why I would rather never touch love again with a bargepole. I don’t think that it gets any better than when you’re sixteen and out of control in some whirlpool that you didn’t even notice you were swimming into. Why is it that whenever I do fall I fall for the wrong person? It would be nice if I even believed that there was a right person, I could go looking like everyone else does, maybe I’d even be satisfied.
See theres an adolescent in here and it doesn’t look like she’s growing up anytime soon, have all those nice boxy emotions that the adults seem to manage.
I fell in love again and I don’t think I’m going to be good company for a while.