Yesterday the fact that the plumber had seen fit to remove all the compostables I had filled my compost bin with had me wandering off gods know where sobbing. I think I quite scared some of the kids playing in the back alley. I think that this gives a pretty good picture as to my mental state at the moment. We had Lexy and FJ round at the time (I was in the backyard clearing up for the aforementioned plumber as they were drinking tea in the front room) and the notion that I might worry them or the darling, darling Jellicle simply didn’t occur to me. I assumed they’d have tea and leave, of course they didn’t and I ended up soaking poor Jellicle and FJ. The fact it was raining hadn’t registered with me until I saw that they were damp as hell.
The fact of my inconsequentiality does not usually hit me that hard, in fact I draw strength from it, I have ever since 6th Form, it is a source of infinite possibilities. Except that looking out over the sodden grass and the grey sky yesterday I could not think of a single good thing about it. I could not imagine what the good things were about being able to simply step away from everything having left no marks. I want that damn book published so much I dreamt of it the night before last.
I’m concerned about myself, but more than that I am petrified of the effect my mood, my behaviour is having on the people around me. I absolutely cannot trust myself around people right now. I’ve been behaving like an arrogant twat all week. That’s the other thing I’d forgotten, when I get sad I put on this persona… she’s so attention fixated that theres not a thing could be wrong with her. I suspect thats why my idea of relaxation is to spend time not speaking, not doing anything other than what is suggested to me, no attention grabbed by myself etc.etc.
I came home of course, sat out in the rain and thought it out and ended up forcing myself up and making myself go home. Walking home I don’t think I had any notion other than I had to clean the yard and finish making buns (it’s a good job everyone was home since those buns wouldn’t have been eaten else). I’d forgotten that grey state of mind, of being aware that someone is walking you home but not having any real thoughts about them. I wonder if that’s part of the reason I like touching so much, because thats a warmth that gets through the grey.
In the end FJ and Lexy stayed the evening and we watched films. FJ and I ended up drinking some of the wine that Mother-In-Law left last week. It was good wine and it felt kind of cheering. Not grey somehow. Fairywine. I haven’t seen Mother-In-Law since Thursday.
We had curry. It was warm too and definately yellow rather than grey.
In the end though I heal from pretty much anything including this, it’s just a matter of keeping on. The thing is theres so much behind this grey, before there was only a few things, three maybe, now theres so much, too much and instead of being comforting the nature of my inconsequentiality is saddening, greying.