Yesterday I watched films with my Jellicle Cat and friends came over and I cooked, stew for lunch, spaghetti bolognaise for dinner and cakes in between. Now various of my acquaintences who have far too much to do with the D/s (Dominance and submission) side of things (a link if you’re confused) state that this is because I am a sub who has desperate need to perform ‘service‘ for her friends. I dispute this, and in fact, it annoys me.
I’ve never really thought about why exactly it annoys me before but it does because I am very much all about the informed consent. I live a very sexualised life, I enjoy things on a sexual level as well as on a simply pleasurable level and I like to know that I’m not doing anything wrong. To me the idea of looking at a good looking boy or a seriously hot man is fine, as long as it’s only looking. So is flirting, so is a quick kiss. (Unless they’ve made clear beforehand that kissing is a bad thing tm – I was brought up in a culture that held kissing as non-serious – apparently I no longer live there), so are any number of things but for a woman that also regards a quickie – yes I’m talking about actual sex here, as also being something pretty damned harmless, I do think there are some things that are the preserve of a solid talking to beforehand.
Now I can be a sub in the bedroom…but I’m not a life style BDSM sort of girl. The idea that I am (without their informed and explicit consent) getting off on making my friends food makes me annoyed. The idea that everything I do comes back to inherant sexual preferences also makes me annoyed. I’m a sexual creature, I’m not quiet about that but that is not the only thing I am. My fascination with sex and with the drives behind it colours everything I do for sure, but my own sexual drives do not.
I am certain that the psychological reasons (mundane or fantastic) behind my enoying being tied up, spanked, ordered around etc.etc. are probably very similar as to why I enjoy doing things for other people. But I am not a sub in the kitchen, by any means and there are other types of sex that I enjoy which cooking is almost certainly closer to. The only problem I have with sex that edges towards BDSM is that it takes time (remember I mentioned quickies earlier). There’s a lot of effort that goes into being tied up and making sure someone’s ok if you’re spanking them and all the rest of it, and don’t get me wrong, that effort is massively rewarded, but – and here’s the big but, if you’re just feeling horny then there’s nothing wrong with just going for it.
My urge to create in the kitchen, my urge to get messy and cover my walls with paint and glue and gods know what else have nothing to do with an occaisionally assumed BDSM identity, this is the sort of sex I like to share with my friends. Creative, on the spur of the moment and damned good fun. Something that you know is consensual because it’s not complex and about what is being created in that moment. (Condoms people!) To make it into something complex that has to be thoroughly discussed down to the nth degree is to take away from what it is, and in my view you can have both the spontaneous and the endlessly discussed and narrowed down.