Scrabble Pieces

In amongst the scrabble pieces, out amongst the stars,
Just around the corners of my mind, in memory.

The funeral was, well, a funeral really. It was good in that way that funerals are the worst thing on earth and in the way that wakes mean you remember the good times.

I’ve never been to a burial and been family before. I’ve never sat in the front limosine of the procession before. I’ve never seen my cousin Emma break down so completely in tears that didn’t strike me as somehow false. I’ve never seen my Dad and Aunty Susan be so close.

I liked the lay reader who did the service, I think I can see why Grandma did actually. Couldn’t think of anything to write on the card for the flowers, just wrote ‘love’ in the end.

I couldn’t bear to touch any of them; Emma and her fiance were clutching each other in the church, same with Tim and Vicky, Mum and Dad kept gripping hands ever so often, Uncle Malcolm kept just brushing Aunty Susan every so often, just fingertips you know. And Jenny, I’ve never seen her so lost, alone and wailing, not since she was really small. Mum kept cuddling her like she was six. I couldn’t go near any of them for fear that they might touch me, I nearly screamed at Dad when he put a hnd on my shoulder and asked if I was alright.

Everyone was asking ‘Are you alright?’, I kept saying fine; what the hell are you supposed to say? ‘I’m fine, my Grandmother’s dead so I’m as sad as I have been this year, well since my Great-Uncle died thanks for asking and theres not a thing you can do about it so back off and quit bloody pawing at me’ ?

There were two cars for family, I’ve never been to a better attended funeral, can’t stand my second cousin Kenny, have no idea why love Ronnie to pieces, its just that random initial reaction that you have to some people I guess.

The coffin was too well mad to rot quickly, you’d think it should all be made to rejoin with the earth quicker than that really. I don’t know. The earth made a terrible pattering sound as it hit the coffin lid when you threw it in.

How do you grieve? I don’t seem to be able to cry properly. I mean when Uncle Arthur died I cried buckets for days and kept having random Unlce Arthur moments when I had to cry. Same with Grandad, I cried and cried and then the funeral happened and I didn’t cry much after that. I only cried on Zoe for Grandma and theres this huge great puddle inside me that is just there. There are no poems to say or things that I can tell everybody, and I haven’t cried so much at all. I felt like an alien at the funeral, like everyone was describing someone I hardly recognised.

There were too many people at the wake. And I couldn’t run off to my Grandma’s room to avoid all the people at Aunty Susan’s house like I usually do. And I am very very sad.
Am I alright? No of course I’m not all right, how can I be alright again? I wanted her to be there if I fell in love again, I wanted to show her my photos from Japan, I wanted her to be proud of me for all the stuff I haven’t done yet and she isn’t going to be.

I felt like an alien at the funeral because the small sarcastic figure that I usually run to and hide with at huge family gatherings was the one in the coffin. And I feel more like I’m drowning that ever.

2 thoughts on “Scrabble Pieces

  1. Crying’s not compulsory when you’re grieving. You were there at her funeral, and you’ll remember her. That’s what matters.

    If there’s some kind of afterlife thing, she’d know you cared – for a start, when you’re disembodied, you don’t see people from the outside (that’s what eyes are for). If she’s still around, she’d be aware of how you felt. So don’t feel bad for not crying.

    If you’re worried about what other people thought about you (which is perfectly normal), I know I felt guilty as hell when all my cousins were crying their eyes out at my grandpa’s funeral, but I just stood there. But I know you – you might be able to put on a brave face a lot of the time, but this almost certainly wasn’t one of those times. You’ll have ~looked~ as sad as you felt.

    I know it sounds cheesy, but someone’s not entirely dead until they’ve been forgotten. And with the sheer number of people at her funeral, and your own feelings about her, I doubt your Grandma will be forgotten for a long time.


  2. It took me a hell of a long time to come to terms with the fact my Grandad was dead. It wasn’t until after my Nana die four months later that I even cried.

    It was weird. It came from nowhere. I was looking at photos of the trip to London I’d been on when my Grandad’s funeral was held (the whole family had insisted I go rather than cancel the trip) and suddenly it hit me that while I’d been there having fun, my Grandad had been buried.

    I was hopeless for the rest of the day. Having not cried in four months, now I couldn’t stop.

    Maybe you’re just suffering from an emotional overload and you’re not ready to cry yet.

    It will come. If you need to cry, your body will let you when it’s read.

    I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.


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