This was s’posed to be a Quick Entry

It was until my internet connection started bombarding me with stuff.
I was talking to my Grandma today, normally I ring her on Sundays but due to forgetting my keys etc yesterday I didn’t, so I rang her tonight instead. We were talking about my sister who started her university career last weekend. She had a quick bout of homesickness but seems to be much better now. Anyway Grandma was saying that I should give her big sisterly advice. I pointed out that I had no big sisterly advice to give her (not that she listens if I ever attempt to give her big sisterly advice anyway!), I have never been homesick.

Not in Ecuador where I was over my eighteenth summer, not in America where I worked last year. I was so excited when I came to uni that I forgot to ring my parents a lot of the time. (They’re not having that problem with Jen). It was at this point that Grandma pointed out that Jen and I are very different people; ‘ You’re very self-contained love, Jenny needs people, you just like them’

It’s true enough I suppose. I do like people but need them? Hardly, except in the way that everyone needs people. It reminded me of a conversation that I and the Jellicle were having about how much anyone really knows me. I don’t actually remember anyone totally knowing me since Alex and Ashely in school, people may have heard me mention Alex. Ashley however put up with a lot for seven years and now I barely see him. Is it some fault in me? Do I lack the basic understanding of the rest of the human race, a basic empathy missing.

I don’t need anybody, I almost pride myself on it. Self-contained, I’m sure I remember wanting that phrase to be applied to me, I seem to have achieved all my twelve year old desires. Lovers, a devastating love affair, independant. Well ok I’m not a world famous bank robber nor have I committed murder in some ‘crime passionel’ and nor am I a published author. going for one of those options at the moment and since I haven’t been in love for some time nor do I have a fixation on bank notes that leaves only one option.

Self-contained. Is that why I haven’t been in love for some time? M called me scared about it, or has some ineffable part of me changed? Twice is enough for any sane human being. Looks like Joan Baez was right, or did Dylan write this?

Seems like only yesterday
I left my mind behind
Down in the Gypsy Cafe
With a friend of a friend of mine
She sat with a baby heavy on her knee
Yet spoke of life most free from slavery
With eyes that showed no trace of misery
A phrase in connection first with she I heard
That love is just a four-letter word

Outside a rambling store-front window
Cats meowed to the break of day
Me, I kept my mouth shut
To you I had no words to say
My experience was limited and underfed
You were talking while I hid
To the one who was the father of your kid
You probably didn’t think I did, but I heard
You say that love is just a four-letter word

I said goodbye unnoticed
Pushed towards things in my own games
Drifting in and out of lifetimes
Unmentionable by name
Searching for my double, looking for
Complete evaporation to the core
Though I tried and failed at finding any door
I must have thought that there was nothing more
Absurd than that love is just a four-letter word

Though I never knew just what you meant
When you were speaking to your man
I can only think in terms of me
And now I understand
After waking enough times to think I see
The Holy Kiss that’s supposed to last eternity
Blow up in smoke, its destiny
Falls on strangers, travels free
Yes, I know now, traps are only set by me
And I do not really need to be
Assured that love is just a four-letter word

Strange it is to be beside you, many years the tables turned
You’d probably not believe me if told you all I’ve learned
And it is very very weird, indeed
To hear words like “forever” plead
so ships run through my mind I cannot cheat
it’s like looking in a teacher’s face complete
I can say nothing to you but repeat what I heard
That love is just a four-letter word

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