Most people I know, or at any rate a lot, do not consider me to be a hugely moral person: immoral at worst, amoral at best, capricious comes somewhere in the middle. I have always considered myself to be moral, in that I have a definate moral system (admittedly sometimes that moral system consists of saying I need to make a judgement of the grey areas based around context) but today I found myself justifying what I consider to be the only truly bad thing that I have ever done. I knew it was bad when I did it, I knew it was bad before I decided to do it and I did it and I stand by it. It was an action performed in anger and performed in the spirit of vengeance; both of which I would counsel anybody else, and indeed myself, not to do anything in. Anger and vengeance. Not good and I knew this when I did it.
I’m saying this to try and explain that I knew my action by my own system of morality was wrong. Thats why I reckon it was the only truly bad thing I’ve ever done because if you do something out of ignorance I reckon it’s not so bad. So as everybody is clear; I am the sort of person who will deliberately choose to do something wrong, something contrary to my own moral system because of what? Not because it prevented a greater wrong but because some bastard was hurting my sister.
I did wrong; I knew it was wrong when I did it and I excepted that I would be punished. This is the way of things. There it should have ended. Yet yesterday I find myself almost boasting about this action to my friends; since when did I become the sort of person to boast about wrongdoings and misdeeds?
Oh but it gets worse. I prayed. I’ve been telling people how religious I am, how spiritual and all the rest of what it means to me to be Wiccan. I prayed and I couldn’t remember the last time I had. There was a full moon last week, did I worship in Esbat, did I praise My Lady? Did I espell, enchant or pray? No I looked at the moon and nodded to God knowing that I didn’t have the time. Imbolc? Imbolc was a couple of weeks ago and Imbolc I nodded in a ritual, didn’t pray, didn’t circle didn’t do sod all.
I have become the equivalent of a Sunday Christian, something I prided myself on not being. And I think if I look at this stuff I can see a running theme. My prideful nature needs to realign and I need to sit out for a bit. Can it be that someone can let their head get as messy as their room? Who did I become so fast without noticing?
I have apologies to make to you all out there. I don’t know how long I’ve been slipping and I don’t know how long all of you have been trying to tell me but I guess I only just noticed and I’m sorry it took so long. Mish is going incommunicado for a few days. Not seeing anybody who isn’t heart-friend: you know who you are I need to spend some Mish time, you got a reason to come over then come.
I am not going to be too busy again. I am not losing this space of me because I was too busy to see I was losing it. Excuse me whilst I go build some bridges with my Gods.