Most people I know, or at any rate a lot, do not consider me to be a hugely moral person: immoral at worst, amoral at best, capricious comes somewhere in the middle. I have always considered myself to be moral, in that I have a definate moral system (admittedly sometimes that moral system consists of saying I need to make a judgement of the grey areas based around context) but today I found myself justifying what I consider to be the only truly bad thing that I have ever done. I knew it was bad when I did it, I knew it was bad before I decided to do it and I did it and I stand by it. It was an action performed in anger and performed in the spirit of vengeance; both of which I would counsel anybody else, and indeed myself, not to do anything in. Anger and vengeance. Not good and I knew this when I did it.

I’m saying this to try and explain that I knew my action by my own system of morality was wrong. Thats why I reckon it was the only truly bad thing I’ve ever done because if you do something out of ignorance I reckon it’s not so bad. So as everybody is clear; I am the sort of person who will deliberately choose to do something wrong, something contrary to my own moral system because of what? Not because it prevented a greater wrong but because some bastard was hurting my sister.

I did wrong; I knew it was wrong when I did it and I excepted that I would be punished. This is the way of things. There it should have ended. Yet yesterday I find myself almost boasting about this action to my friends; since when did I become the sort of person to boast about wrongdoings and misdeeds?

Oh but it gets worse. I prayed. I’ve been telling people how religious I am, how spiritual and all the rest of what it means to me to be Wiccan. I prayed and I couldn’t remember the last time I had. There was a full moon last week, did I worship in Esbat, did I praise My Lady? Did I espell, enchant or pray? No I looked at the moon and nodded to God knowing that I didn’t have the time. Imbolc? Imbolc was a couple of weeks ago and Imbolc I nodded in a ritual, didn’t pray, didn’t circle didn’t do sod all.

I have become the equivalent of a Sunday Christian, something I prided myself on not being. And I think if I look at this stuff I can see a running theme. My prideful nature needs to realign and I need to sit out for a bit. Can it be that someone can let their head get as messy as their room? Who did I become so fast without noticing?

I have apologies to make to you all out there. I don’t know how long I’ve been slipping and I don’t know how long all of you have been trying to tell me but I guess I only just noticed and I’m sorry it took so long. Mish is going incommunicado for a few days. Not seeing anybody who isn’t heart-friend: you know who you are I need to spend some Mish time, you got a reason to come over then come.

I am not going to be too busy again. I am not losing this space of me because I was too busy to see I was losing it. Excuse me whilst I go build some bridges with my Gods.

3 thoughts on “Morality

  1. You, Immoral?

    Don’t flatter yourself, you’re one of the most moral people I know, after Ell and Jo The Housemate!

  2. Depends upon a) your definition of moral and b) your own personal code of morals.

    I know some people who would consider Mish to be an immoral person. I, personally, do not.

  3. Morality is decided in public and never practiced in private.

    The only difference between a moralist and a bigot is that the moralist is popular.

    The bigot speaks the public’s mind, the moralist minds the public’s speech.

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