Affirmation of my beliefs…I believe that the first cut is the deepest; and I don’t care if Sheryl Crow has rereleased it, the best version is by P P Arnold…although I have a horrible feeling that Cat Stevens may have written it or did he call it that but actually it was that song that Catatonia released? Anyone? I think this is going to be a ramble, just so you’ve been warned!
Why is it so many of my thoughts are affected by music, do we all make up a soundtrack to our lives or is it just that my brain doesn’t really work and I’m a vampire sucking ideas from other peoples lyrics?
In anycase, worryingly enough I think it’s Wrong Mike who really knows about me and love…which, considering the many lovers I’ve had and confided in, worries me a little. I don’t seem to actually open up when real emotion is involved. But I can think of two people previously mentioned on this blog who are similar. I have given you all of my heart, there’s someone who’s torn it apart and he’s taken just all that i have but if you want i’ll try to love again; I just won’t admit it to myself because if I do then it won’t be the first cut thats the deepst, it’ll be all the little slices taken ever after.
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument but I also know that it does and sometimes things are said which you can never take back. Do you suppose that we always get second chances when we really really want them?
I used to believe that they came but I’m not so sure now. I had second chances with Bluefoo and with Alex (The first cut is the deepest, believe me i know the first cut is the deepest) and for the longest while I had no regrets…but then I believe that you can’t truly have lived, not really, if you end your life with no regrets.
Should I live as the Orange does and say whatever is easiest? Whatever is agreeable at the time…I can’t do it even if I wanted to, another thing I believe is you should say whatever you think, sugarcoat it if you have to or avoid saying it if its just going to hurt people. But surely the truth is prefereable to little white lies contradicted by other people or in private? I don’t know…but I believe it is so. Except that then I lie about what is really really important to me and not just to other people. OIt comes out of my mout automatically to hide what is really, really true and really, really felt. If I’ve ever told you that I will never tell you how much I love you, you can bet your bottom dollar that I have loved you intensely, I’ve wrapped you in the deepest parts of my heart…course most people on’t believe me…Wrong Mike will.
Barbara Hutton married about five or six times. I’d have married her tennis player; and I believe that lavendar relationships can work and I can make it work…But when it comes to bein’ lucky, he’s cursed when it comes to lovin’ me, he’s worse…I’m sure gonna give you a try. If you want i’ll try to love again, (try) i’ll try to love again, but i know…we place our happiness in other people’s hands and sometimes we choose entirely the wrong people.
Each of my lovers has contrbuted to my happiness and each has contributed, usually totally unconciously to my unhappiness and all the tiny cuts that lattice my frame, which slowly tear me apart on my bad days and somedays they form the spider web that glows and holds me together.
I think that every experience ever had is not just what forms you but also makes for a web from which you can never escape. Mr Holmes was right when he said that we should choose our experiences carefully except that he chose only to know what was pertinent whereas I want everything to cut me and mold me and shape me into whatever the world brings into being.
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem but only if you let them and I believe I’m loved when I’m completely by myself alone although sometimes it takes some doing. I still want you by my side Just to help me dry the tears that i’ve cried and listen to my rather eclectic collection of music which reflects my every thought.
The first cut is the deepest i know but sometimes I wonder whether that cut is the one that effects your love life ever after, if nothing that you feel or see will ever be itself again, if it will always ve molded within that cut. The first cut is the deepest…I still want you by my side all of you who’ve ever left me, all of you who I’ve ever left. But I still want to live inside the cuts and without the cuts and with the web of light and without it.
The first cut is the deepest
The first cut is the deepest
It’s not a question of trying to love again, its a question of trying to partition your heart, of trying to stop loving so much all the other people who live in there; else there no room for everyone because all the others seem to be crowding them out, and you end up blackened and shrivelled inside. I never learnt the trick of not loving. I tried to and I always said I did but I lied so much to everyone and myself. I fall in love too easily Lovers of today just throw their dreams away and play at love they give their love away to anyone who’ll say “I love you”
Try to love again…
I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned and I never give enough and with so small a heart and with so blackend and bruised an expression that its no wonder that there seem to be no more second chances.
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned, how are we to know good until we know bad. And I never loved so fiercely I think until I was sixteen. Although sometimes I wonder whether it was because I was sixteen that I love so fiercely, maybe there will never be so much of a dance as there was with so much unsaid and flirted with, then I look at my favourite Uncle and figure it can’t be for adolescents only.
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side but I’m alwayslooking and comparing because I’m terrified that maybe I’ll slip and maybe the little petit bourgeousie who I know lives inside and wants lace curtains or an Ikea room might get out and take over my life, making it boring as hell. Don’t throw your love away, for you might need it someday, but I just keep loving and I don’t think that theres much of me flowing between these spider lights anymore, but always when I think that theres nothing more of me left there seems to be more. Don’t throw your dreams away, keep them another day you might need them someday; do all our dreams depend on love? All my dreams have involved love; albeit it an absence of true or soppy love or they’ve involved walking away from it. Thats what you get if you read fairy tales to early I think.
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye, and then it only becomes a regret if it matters, and on some level everything matters to me. But all my goodbyes have been mutual for right now I’ve only got one regret. Do I still believe that we get second chances if they’re really needed?
I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul.
Anyone who asks me to stop believe these things or who asks me to act contrary to those beliefs is leading up to a goodbye.
I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
So that means that the love I have for you all isn’t going to die, does that mean I shall be blackened and shrivelled and stretched forever. Until I relax I guess. And I’m going to split myself open so I stretch from continent to continent and in all the blood and light will be everything I’ve ever given, I guess it might only be small and shrivelled and nothing but I’ll have tried and I have loved and I’ve never truly lived only in that first cut.
I live to be talked about I guess, the rumours spreading round that she cooks in the nude but she dont care I live to live and always have something sensational to read on the train. Lovers of today just throw their dreams away and play at love, they give their love away to anyone who won’t say “I love you”. Even if I only played, even if I’m not actually capable of the intesity that others call love even if I have no spark I am happy and I’m going to keep living out of the cuts and the web I’ll go out and have my fun with anyone and my love will be spilled all over the world just as it always has been…throw my love away? For the longest time I’d never been loved back, maybe the love is lavendar and not blood and bone anyway but I’ll throw my love at the feet of anyone I meet who sucks at my soul because I always have and I can’t stop now, the whole world I’ll throw it at and fuck you all I don’t casre if it comes back returned or not you have it, stamp on it for all I care, I’ve been humiliated, I’ve been hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and I’ll keep loveing you all because I spill the bloody stuff. And I’m not leaving.
The first cut is the deepest…