So Skimble came over and we spent the weekend plotting and shopping in preparation for Nesuphyn C’s birthday party in a couple of weeks. Made me get nostalgic, it really reminded me in places; the jokes that we both giggled at and made; of plotting over FFG’s birthday with Giggles. Life is like tumbling through a mire at times isn’t it. Nesuphyns Birthday party is going to be great (no details since he reads this 😉 )
I really do believe I live life in a circle, everything I do I’ve actually done before. Every situation is the one before with but a few twists. Even the names of the people don’t chance, half the time not at all and the other half only fractionally. And so I’m sitting here waiting for the inevitable. Life has seemingly proven to me that I can’t change anything about whats going to happen. I’ve yet to manage to change enough that I keep the beautiful times rolling on, it’ll sink and I’m down there watching for the mire, waiting to have to drown in it.
Despite what I have said to the contrary on a number of occaisions and despite the proofs that life is offering me, three is a good number for me. It lets me attempt that closeness that I am incapable of whilst still having safety harness. Its a group that can walk around department stores in and laugh a great deal. Its a group in which you can plot about somebodies birthday, and what presents you’ll get for them and what skimpy clothing we’re going to wear to the party.
Lifes a circle and right now I’m on a spiral that I’ve been on forever and theres no escape. Like Skimble said earlier ‘it’s like kicking a puppy isn’t it’; life is continually like kicking a puppy and theres no way to stop kicking because it’s a reflex action and half the time.
I want a hug. Ideally from my favourite uncle, ideally on the ground floor of Daemonbooks after having stood up from my seat on the foot stand. I want the impossible to happen and time to stop and turn backwards and I would take my UCAS form out of the post.
There would still be puppies to kick. There would still be birthday parties to plan. There would still be those skirts that Skimble and I bought yesterday. And I would still be waiting to drown in the mire, I create the mould, I create the mire but I walk the circle and theres no getting off. However much I pretend otherwise there is no control.
There is however, the Jellicle Cat in Lancaster and currently he’s my grip on the surface. How strange, I’ve been this way before…again.
I’d like a hug too. Sorry for the call last night. Its just me trying to be what I’m not.
I’m not your favourite uncle (or anything else, that I can think of), and this isn’t Daemon Books (although the green armchairs and a book shelf are in here with me), but:
*hug*
Personally, I’m glad you didn’t take your UCAS form out of the post (if it’s the first one you’re referring to). Despite the disagreements and stresses we’ve been through, I owe you a hell of a lot for shaping me into the person I am today. Sure, I took the first few steps with setting up the Writers’ Guild, but it was my friendship with you that made me work out who I really was. Thanks.
*HUG*
Post is on way!
Darling *hug*
email me your address and I will send you some post. Miss you!
Thanks guys! Thanks for the other emails and phone calls!
Don’t worry I know my way out of this pit as well as I know the way in; just wish I’d start noticing the way in when I take it!
Have you tried putting up a sign saying, "Warning, pit ahead. Please use other path."?
(Wow, there was almost a subtext there, but I’m not sure what it was.)
Yeah. You know I think I look the other way from my signs sort of going ‘Lalalala I can’t see you and in any case your not really a sign I just imagined you! Lalala….oops oh shit, pit!’
Hmm, maybe we should start picking up the signs and whacking you with them. Try ignoring that.
:-p
People have tried.