Ok the vanilla conversation will not apparently die. Some people have suggested that the scale simply isn’t complex enough and we need at least 3 axes (that looks wrong, axises, axii, axeeees?), involving flavouring, chunkiness and some sort of topping. Other people claim I’m obsessed with being vanilla when I should be proud to be a deep rich vein of many flavours. To the one person who asked nervously if I was ashamed of my sexuality/ sex life/ sexual experimentation, no I’m not. I really, really love my life with all its mistakes, might-have-beens and miracles. But I’m hugely puzzled by it.
I have no idea how half of it happens, I mean I’m just walking along my own sweet way and then I’m in bed, or up Mt Fuji or scuba-diving off the Japanese coast. People have some really weird images in their heads of me and I think that it comes to a very clear point when talking about sex. I’m not nearly serious enough about sex to be anything other than vanilla in my head. I mean could I get dressed up and go to a real BDSM bar somewhere looking to be taken home for the night? The dressing up would be fun but the rest? Almost certainly not. I don’t have the attitude to sex that would be I’d enjoy it. Well ok, partly it appeals but so does getting naked in a house full of friends. I’m not consistent enough in a fetish to be a serious person about it.
I don’t know if I’m explaining myself clearly here, but I like sex, in a full range of flavours. I don’t have any one single fetish or desire that sex should involve X and I’m not serious enough about any of them to need to ask my partners to do X/Y/Z – I like to find out what turns them on and then have fun with it. Most things I’ve found out about are fun at least once. I mean sex is the one chance we get as adults to play when we’re allowed to, theres no social etiquette that *needs* to be followed when you’re naked and in bed with someone/ people, you get to play with someone else and I like to play. Sex is just an extension of that.
I know someone at least is going to be saying ‘um what about all the textbooks and books in general that you have about sex’. Sex is a subject that fascinated me before I’d even slept with anyone and it still intrigues me academically what I can get my body to do. I see that as being separate from playing with people, most of the experimentation I’ve done finding Annie Sprinkle’s different orgasms has been masturbation with a couple of exceptions with long term lovers who find my fascination… a turn-on/interesting/something they want to do.
As I get older I am finding that I do have some sexual bits and pieces that are more fixed that I had previously realised, if I do go out in a lesbian situation then I know I’m femme and am happy to describe myself as such. That doesn’t mean I’m looking for a butch incidentally, just that I’m very much more comfortable in my lesbian sexuality and know much more about it than before I went to Japan.
As for the straighter parts of my sexuality, I come to realise that I can be in a sub/dom situation quite happily and I can be involved in sex without. However though I can be dommy (which initially came as a surprise) my natural inclination is far more on the subby side of things (if you’re surprised by that you know you’ve never slept with me).
I guess these things are all kinks of mine, apparently everyone knows about the spanking thing and obviously I’ve blogged about the boots (but that was weird and new, I mean normally I’m happiest with the foot/boot thing by gazing longingly at Princess Lex’s and wishing I was licking them…) but, I’m not serious enough about them to think of them as kinks. I just want to play with people, serious sex is actually a bit on the scary side. I can’t take my own kinks as anything more than a bit of a giggle but I like to pay attention to other peoples.
To me, the fact that I don’t have any hard and fast kinks (though I do have preferences) makes my head regard me as vanilla.