Yeah I’m a total wuss. I admitted that this morning when I had my total panic attack. I really did just freak out. I didn’t need to. I was not in anyway great at the discipline thing, I have resolved tomorrow to become uber-bitch and not put up with anything.
After Japan I’ve noticed I’m way more friendly with the kids than I’d ever normally be, which is in some ways a good thing but I think I’m going to have to work on the professional boundaries thing. I’ve noted that wearing things around my neck helps me concentrate on things. Usually I wear my little wiccan star and the boars tusk that my Gentleman Friend gave me. When I went to Japan my parents gave me a St Christopher so when I got on planes to come home or go to Okinawa I wore that and also the viking compass that Princess Lex and Foxy Jonno gave me to remind me to come home. If I’m roleplaying I often find that my dice necklace gets put on, just as when I turn up in Lincolnshire I often find I’ve put on the choker that my oldest friend gave me.
So today I found that viking compass going around my neck this morning. Standing in class this morning I realised quite why. See, I came home. Except that in some ways I didn’t really. I spent the last half of last year figuring out quite where I was. I wrote a bit but not much and mostly in various online things that I have going. This is not where I want to be. I’ve felt since I came home a bit like my plan has gone skew-whiff almost as if it took me to Japan and left me there. Certainly I wasn’t expecting to come home so soon, I mean back when I was planning, these things get modified for love after all. Of course this is because I was concentrating on the physicality of my plans. I have usually found it much easier to write when I am away because I have a notebook and a pen or some letter writing paper, my writing often gets pushed to one side when I am ‘home’ and I wonder if thats why I have found myself so disjointed from where I was expecting to be?
I never really expected to make it this far, back when I was planning I rather assumed that something or other would knock me off this planet somewhere along the line, probably in foreign parts. But I’m here, and I’m still travelling, albeit in the wrong direction at the moment and I’m not quite home yet. Theres the Jellicle Cat and there are those two places in Lincolnshire and one in France and I’m not at any of them, I’m not writing for a living yet and I wonder when I am if that will feel like home too. So its all ok, I can mess up at Hubert Humphrey (although that is actually going reasonably well) and I can take a bit of a diversion as long as I keep writing. If I keep writing then I’ll get home soon.