So last night I dreamt of my mother giving me jobseeking advice and me throwing a total two year old’s style tantrum. No really, screaming and kicking with my legs and hammering with my hands whilst laying on the floor.
It has to be said, that it felt really good to do that in the dream. The job thing really gets me down. I have nothing really to focus on in some ways because everything seems to be on hold until I get my NQT year, I don’t know how to proceed, I don’t know how to… to be honest I’m not sure anymore that teaching is the career for me. I love it, but I have been out of the English classroom on a regular basis for three years now and I know my discipline is shot to pieces.
I can do supply for two more years without having my NQT started. Maybe I should start seriously looking at other options, I mean yeah I’ve been applying for random things that I thought I could do, with no success. I have all these ideas and they seem to be being sucked out of me.
I’ve started a ‘Chaos Magic in Business’ course. Some of you will think, no doubt, that that sounds a dreadful idea. I think it’s positive. I need to work towards some level of being an independant person, some way I feeling like I contribute to things, like I can do all these things I have planned out in my head.
I know that part of me feels a bit like well maybe I wasted the PGCE year if I don’t get my NQT, and yeah, I’d rather have got that done, but I gained skills and confidence in various areas, I can make felt, I can control a classroom of thirty reasonable kids (thirty not-so-reasonble kids I can’t) and so it wasn’t wasted. I had a fun time for a lot of 2003/2004 but now I think I need to change direction. Theres no teaching jobs for me around here, I can tutor though and sure maybe I won’t be worth as much financially but I’m still me and I’m still capable and the dreams are still here.