Love

I fell in love again.

I’m really not very good at this, I wonder if anyone is or if it’s just me that wanders through life cocking up. This is the third time I’ve fallen and not noticed, well at least last time I noticed as I was falling and managed to clamber out of it a little…loving like a sister is hard work.

The first time I fell for a man I at least had the decency to fall for one who loved me back, or said he did anyway. But being sixteen and in love is, I think usually at least, a recipe for disaster. At sixteen your emotions are still too raw…hell mine are still too raw today, they’re too unformed not like all the adults who seem to have a way of toning down what they feel all ready and prepackaged for human consumption whereas me, well I’m still stuck in that adolescent phase of ‘look a me look at me LOOK AT ME!!!!’ What else is this webpage about?

Sixteen and in love and way too intense for any sane person. I never fall for easy people; I mean people who are easy to be with, I just end up loving them, often just as intensely as those unfortunates my heart seems to pounce on. My lovely easy friends who I would quite cheerfully force myself to live without. You see? I think its not human emotion sometimes that runs around these valves and chambers. You see? How adolescnet I am? Haven’t you all noticed how really self-involved I am? I think people just see what they want to see, myself included.

I fell in love and then became the last person my beloved would associate with for two years. I thought it was forever at the time. It felt as though he’d died, or I’d died.

And for some reason I thought that my emotions had become more reasonable. Then I caught myself falling for another, nearly did but its amazing what the object of your affection getting a girlfriend does for your heart. It’s like being frozen in ice. Its as though you’re frozen and then everything gets kind of twisted up as though the emotions within you were in the middle of a klaidescope and the patterns it was making aren’t pretty.

I know myself, I know myself very well and I enjoy my own company, I love being with myself. And I know what I can’t do. I know what I can give to people, but it seems I can never give the right things to the right people. It seems that Mish being in love is not reasonable, doesn’t seem like it ever was. Wrong Mike can’t understand why I am just as romantic in my head as he is and yet why I would rather never touch love again with a bargepole. I don’t think that it gets any better than when you’re sixteen and out of control in some whirlpool that you didn’t even notice you were swimming into. Why is it that whenever I do fall I fall for the wrong person? It would be nice if I even believed that there was a right person, I could go looking like everyone else does, maybe I’d even be satisfied.

See theres an adolescent in here and it doesn’t look like she’s growing up anytime soon, have all those nice boxy emotions that the adults seem to manage.

I fell in love again and I don’t think I’m going to be good company for a while.

13 thoughts on “Love

  1. Is this literally about someone else, Mish, or are you just being pretentious about being self-obsessed?

    If the former, are you doing what you’ve done before and refusing to even explore your feelings ~just in case~ it hurts later on, despite it hurting in the short term? When it hurts, don’t go all self-pitying – it’s self inflicted pain.

    Whatever this is on about, "bad company" is a good way of describing you at the moment. "Walking on eggshells" is a good way of describing how I’m feeling when I’m with you at the moment – you seem fine now, we’re getting on as if there’s never been a harsh word between us, but how long before you turn into a vindictive bitch for no apparent reason except that your own life’s shitty and you spot an ‘easy’ target to vent your own frustrations?

    Giving an excuse for being bad company isn’t a suitable apology for it. It’s you avoiding the issue – you’re being bad company, that’s what needs sorting. Not just to me, to others as well. Seriously. Your social relationships are teetering on a parapet here, and you seem utterly clueless to this fact, apparently believing that whatever stresses you have in your private life explain away you venting this onto other people.

    Fucking sort it all out before you alienate everyone who wants to think of themselves as your friend, and it gets to the point where people can’t stand being around you. We’re not even into Week 5 of Michaelmas Term yet. How bad do you think things are going to be by Christmas?

  2. Falling in love with the right person is easy. Falling in love with the wrong person is very very difficult indeed. Perhaps that should be persons, since everyone loves more than once in their lives, even if they don’t realise it…

    Take me. First love – great disaster. He dated my best mate for 8 months. I pined for 3 years. He finally made a move, just as I got together with my then-boyfriend. Disasterous timing all round and politics got in the way.

    2nd love – thought he was the one. Got engaged and was preparing to spend the rest of forever with him. And it lasted for a while. Then I grew up.

    3rd (and current) love. Steady. Stable. Returned. It feels safe. This is how it’s meant to be.

    Love isn’t a bad thing. It’s the things that love makes you do that can cause problems. Or even, the things that love makes other people do that can cause problems.

  3. I’ve been in love three times in my life. My first love was in the last year of high school. It was that kind of half-crushed puppy love that in retrospect probably wouldn’t be counted as love at all, but at the time it felt real. She was sweet and kind, but after a while decided she was bored of me, avoided my calls for about a month and a half before dumping me with a 21 word letter on my eighteenth birthday.

    My second love cheated on me and dumped me after eight months as she needed to explore herself and sleep with women. In the passed two years she has become harsh and callous and seems to have alienated at least half the people back home.

    my third love? Heh. My third love hurt most of all, as I fell for her, just as she was planning to call it off with me…

    But, we march on. My problem is that I have no desire for promescuity and so do not even think about engaging in a relationship unless there is something already there. Life’s to short. In shorthand terms ‘I play for keeps’. The trouble is, I get hurt every time it goes wrong.

    But the point is… I keep trying. I’ll never shy away from love as it is the most powerful thing on this planet. And to be in love, if only for a fleeting half-second is worth any ammount of heart-ache.

    yeah, I know, this doesn’t sound like the cynical old me, but heh, love does that to you.

    Don’t give up on your feelings mish

  4. Okay, a little calmer now, and significantly more sober…

    My points earlier still stand, but anyway, on the subject of love: it’s a good thing. Even if it ends up badly, it’s a valuable learning experience.

    Me, I’ve been in love once, plus various teenage crushes and grown-up nearly-loves. Unrequieted, unfortunately, since she was going out with someone else (and was way out of my league anyway – although judging by her boyfriend, maybe not…). I made the mistake of asking her out anyway, I was that infatuated, and the subsequent guilt trip left me unable to eat over the course of Christmas of 1999. On the upside, I was too depressed to go to a neighbour’s New Millennium party, and instead got to watch 24 hours of BBC One coverage of midnight around the world – one of those immortal television moments. Not quite compensation, but…

    Failed love always outnumbers successful love, simply because each person only has one successful love at the most, but can go through any number of failed loves. If you give up early, you’ll never reach the successful one, and never know what it’d be like. Go for it.

  5. Why is it that whenever I do fall I fall for the wrong person?

    Can I just ask, what makes you think the current person you are in love with isn’t the right one? You haven’t said who it is, but I just wonder why you are so adamant it will end in heartache if you take the chance?

    It would be nice if I even believed that there was a right person, I could go looking like everyone else does, maybe I’d even be satisfied.

    If you don’t look, you will never find someone you can be happy with. By being so adamant that it doesn’t exist, you automatically negate any chance of success.

    What if you have found someone who can make you happy? Has that even crossed your mind, that this one could be the one that works out?

    What are you waiting for Mish? Thunderbolts and lightning, and a choir or angels, announcing that "THIS IS THE REAL THING"? Because that doesn’t exist. Love starts with interest, attraction and trust. It doesn’t, contrary to popular belief and rom coms, come from nowhere. It builds over time and you have to be willing to take a chance in order to reap any rewards from love.

    It’s not easy, in fact sometimes it’s really hard work. But when it works, it’s amazing. And I worry that you have this amazing capacity to love and yet you are so stubborn and have said so many times over and over again that you ‘won’t touch love with a barge pole’ that for the sake of keeping this self imposed status quo you are throwing away any chance of happiness that crosses your path.

    Don’t let a previously made decision govern your decisions for the rest of your life. For all your talking about not growing up, you have changed a lot in the last 2 years. I know. I’ve watched you do it. And you are not the person you were when your heart got broken. You’re stronger and more certain than that, and perhaps it’s time for a re-evaluation of how your emotions stand, because this person you keep describing in your diary? I honestly don’t think that’s you. I’ve not seen that person in a long time.

    Open your heart Mish. Trust to fate rather than fighting against it for once in your life. It might be worth it. And if it isn’t, you’re no worse off at the end. You’re hurting now, so why is a fear of hurting preventing you from doing something to end the hurt?

  6. Archangel and Erfalaswen: it may come as a shock to you both but the reason I am hurting quite so much is I already took your advice. What was it you said?

    ‘what makes you think the current person you are in love with isn’t the right one?’

    Largely because he thinks he isn’t.

    ‘You haven’t said who it is, but I just wonder why you are so adamant it will end in heartache if you take the chance?’

    I decided to take the chance; I asked him. It didn’t end in heartache because it didn’t even start. Looks like I should have stuck to my previous position guys, because right now wouldn’t be quite so painful.

    ‘What if you have found someone who can make you happy? Has that even crossed your mind, that this one could be the one that works out?’

    Crossed my mind honey; he disagreed. Lots of people make me plenty happy as they are; as friends and really I think reality is telling me I got it right the first time and I shouldn’t be the one rocking the boat.

    ‘What are you waiting for Mish? Thunderbolts and lightning, and a choir or angels, announcing that "THIS IS THE REAL THING"? Because that doesn’t exist.’

    Well now you’re the one starting to worry me darling. What do you mean it doesn’t exist? I’ve been there sugar; I’ve had two weeks of absolute bliss with thunderbolts lighting and choirs in the clouds. I’ve had the grass beneath my feet fizz with the supreme brilliance of the moment. You’ve never had that? Never?

    ‘Love starts with interest, attraction and trust.’

    Yeah I’ll agree with you there; love can blossom totally.

    ‘It doesn’t, contrary to popular belief and rom coms, come from nowhere.’

    I believe that a Wednesday night on Craig Beckers sofa may belie you a little there…although I could be wrong.

    ‘It builds over time and you have to be willing to take a chance in order to reap any rewards from love.’

    Yeah I’ll agree with that. But I think for Mish it’s back to my original position. Started with love that was the most intense and amazing experience of my life, I fucked it up; fucked this one up too, didn’t read the signs that were glaringly obvious from the start.
    I’ll give love a wide berth still I think; I’m not really made for it I think. And relationships? No an even bigger mistake I think, yeah I would have tried this time round but really? Mish being a girlfriend? He was right I’d’ve fucked that one up too.

    ‘I worry that you have this amazing capacity to love and yet you are so stubborn and have said so many times over and over again that you ‘won’t touch love with a barge pole’ that for the sake of keeping this self imposed status quo you are throwing away any chance of happiness that crosses your path.’

    Some people are made to love and some people are made to be loved, says so in Carroll. I think somebody should’ve told me that Sylvie made my choice for me.

    ‘Don’t let a previously made decision govern your decisions for the rest of your life.’

    I think I have recieved adequate proof this weekend that the decision was the correct one. I shall be avoiding love much more thoroughly than I have before. I think I hadn’t noticed that president Laura has the right idea.

  7. Sorry to hear it hasn’t worked out. *hug*

    But avoiding love? That’s impossible without becoming a hermit, dear. It will get you again, and again, and eventually it’ll work.

    Non-reciprocated love? Yes, welcome to my world. Bet you never thought you’d be here… :-p

  8. Well now you’re the one starting to worry me darling. What do you mean it doesn’t exist? I’ve been there sugar; I’ve had two weeks of absolute bliss with thunderbolts lighting and choirs in the clouds. I’ve had the grass beneath my feet fizz with the supreme brilliance of the moment. You’ve never had that? Never?

    Of course I have. But that’s not love. It would be crass to call it simply attraction, but that’s not love. It’s infatuation. I’ve felt that way about people I know I have never been in love with. And my point is, that feeling doesn’t last. Read your own post – two weeks, yours lasted. That isn’t love.

    It’s my belief that any relationship has a shiny newness to it that can last anything from 2 weeks to 2 months. After that newness fades and the mundanity of real life sets in, that’s crunch time. Can a relationship survive reality and all the boring things that accompany it? What you are describing is the shiny newness, the precurser to love. It’s as good a beginning as anything, but it’s not the substance, and it can be misleading. As I said before, trust is the main thing, followed closely by attraction. Not fizzing grass and choirs of angels.

    ‘It doesn’t, contrary to popular belief and rom coms, come from nowhere.’

    I believe that a Wednesday night on Craig Beckers sofa may belie you a little there…although I could be wrong.

    Well, you are. It had been building for some time, but I didn’t realise quite how much until we got back to Lancaster and actually saw each other rather than talking online.

    I didn’t want to discuss me feelings before hand, because I didn’t want people thinking I was "on the rebound". I knew I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to have to waste time and effort convincing other people that I knew my own heart.

    And anyway, although we might not have known each other in any depth, the Man Of Taste and I had known each other since the first year. We had the good opinions of our friends to judge from afar by if nothing else.

    Hardly a relationship out of nowhere now, is it? Maybe from an outside perspective perhaps, but not in realist.

    Now I can’t blame you for commenting on a situation you knew little about, since I’ve done exactly the same thing to you it seems. But I do feel I should point it out.

  9. I won’t deny that love deepens as it grows sweet Miss UD and that the fizz-bangs are the early parts of love but I would disagree that there are not enitre choirs waiting to take you by surprise in the deepening parts of love.
    However I feel I must correct you. When I said I had two weeks of bliss that was two weeks of bliss because I was in love with him and he believed himself to be in love with me, it took two weeks for him to realise his mistake.

    Did the emotion die? No. I was in love, I was not infatuated: been infatuated been attracted too and this was, unfortunately, different.

  10. When I said I had two weeks of bliss that was two weeks of bliss because I was in love with him and he believed himself to be in love with me, it took two weeks for him to realise his mistake.

    Did the emotion die? No. I was in love

    Once again, you don’t give me the whole story. You leave out the crucial bits, and make me look like a fool.

    I give up. This is the last time I ever try to have a rational argument/discussion/disagreement with you Mish. You keep leaving bits out. You keep misleading people.

    If you don’t tell people the whole story how is anyone ever meant to understand you?

    You say that no-one understands you and no-one really knows you and now I think I know why.

    You don’t want them to.

    Fine. Whatever. Keep your secrets. Just don’t expect advice from me again…

  11. What? Woah you’re angry at me? I had assumed we were having a rational discussion about human emotion. (Once again the fact that theres no tone of voice on these things is a problem). I became aware I hadn’t given you full story in the initial entry after you’re comment; I assumed you either had enough backstory or at least knew that I had been in love at one point. I was merely correcting a misconception not trying to make you appear a fool.
    Other peoples advice is always welcome, just not always agreed with and you and I do have differing views on love and relationships. Simply becuase I’m disagreeing really doesn’t mean I’m trying to get at you; I apologise if this has seemed the case.

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