I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it…

How is it that we put ourselves into boxes? Even the best of the poeple I know sees me as a particular person, the person that they first met; how is it that I cannot have had other experiences or found other things to know about than what I am supposed to have known or seen? I am just as bad as anyone else, I see certain things and try as I might not to make assumptions I suppose it is only human to have those assumptions in the back of my mind.

The boxes that I seem to be in at the moment though, they seem to be more restrictive than any I’ve been placed in before. Claustrophobia setting in to an extent I suppose. I’m not where people think I ought to be and they’re justifying it to me by using knowledge about me, the knowledges which I am using to be somewhere else entirely.

…I apologise that once again I’m not in love
but it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking
it’s just a thought, only a thought…

It puzzles me, the way that it puzzled me the first time that Beardy Best Mate was wrong about me, or Alex (who has been wrong about me precisely once). Is running away not a valid option any more? Well it really rather has to be in most of the situations I get myself into, certainly this one. I don’t seem to be living my own life anymore, I’m a passenger; not on a conveyor belt or in a goldfish bowl the way it was during my last few years at school but as though there is this construct of a Mish that I can’t get away from, that people won’t allow me to get away from.

This year I’m living with friends and it is amazing. But I’m also living with people who don’t just ‘not know me’ but people who think that they know me and it seems almost hostile if I do something outside the Mish box. It is easier to live with people who don’t know me at all, though more stressful. Perhaps the Jellicle would say that I have become too comfortable playing one role in the house I live in, and perhaps it is the same role I have played since childhood, I mean that rather nasty child who no one knows.

…but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine…

But then I am stressed whatever I do, and no amount of misunderstandings or incomprehension can spoil the fixing of a hug and theres nothing like the hugs the Curious Orange, Giggles and FFG give. Princess Lex mentioned that the Curious Orange had been concerned about me this week, I am stressed, it’s largely the travelling: both Lex and FoxyJonno suggested I seek counselling, well its been a few tears so I don’t think I shall unless it gets more serious.

But perhaps I am stressed for another reason, I put it rather melodramatically to Ell and Zoe, but I don’t want to live an ordinary life. I want to be bigger than I am, the construct of a Mish is what I need, (so long as a few friends retain the knowledge of who Mish is) the construct who can write. Princess Lex said that she would sacrifice her dreams to be happy. I would rather sacrifice my happiness to fulfill my dreams. It seems that this is an incomprehensible thing to most people and maybe I’m not so sure of my ground anymore.

…I’ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea whats hapened to that dream
cos theres really nothing left here to stop me
it’s just a thought, only a thought…

Without dreams who can say that we are alive, that we are for real. Perhaps I’ve never truly grasped the idea of another person. I have always known that I wanted to live selfishly but I can be mean to people I care about just to make sure that they don’t care about me too much. I have never been too concerned with the idea of being alone, I’ve always managed alone really and so why should it bother me? Being with someone, if I’m honest has never really been an option with anyone; just have a glance at the failed relationships or at the lovers who would have run a mile had I been looking for someone for more than a casual fling.

I’m living with two people who are very much in loveand I guess the expressions on their faces and in their eyes are the ones that I remember in my own situations; the ones where it felt that being curled up in a warmth of minds was like lightning in starlight. Melodrama again you see, my early loves have biased me against ever feeling anything again…just can’t help myself I’m a dreadful romantic really.

…while my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
well how can I say I’m alive…

But once the shields are in place, once the knowledge of when to run is so ingrained, then how do you let them down? How do you stand your ground? Because once they’re down then they’re down and everything you’ve been telling your friends won’t necessarily hold true anymore. I’ve always prided myself on my honesty. And if your beginning to wonder whether a flight is one that you’ve forced yourself into making how can you tell if your running from or to? Rincewind might say that to takes care of itself but I don’t want to be one of those awful people always running away from things that they don’t like.

I heard the new Dido song on Parkinson and over-identified a little I guess, bought the albulm today.

When did I put myself into a box? I think somewhere along the way I started listening to what other people were saying about me, and I don’t think it helps that I haven’t spoken to anyone who knows me for over ten minutes about anything significant. Where did all these barriers come from and when did I become so paranoid?

…but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine.

6 thoughts on “Boxes

  1. Despite all this meladramatic writing and faux-philosophising Mish, you never truely look at the world around you and assess your place in it.
    I told myself that i would never write a comment on your blog like the one im about to write, but to be frank, the only way to get you to pay attention to something is to put it on a public forum – so thats what im doing, sorry if that is inconvenient. And to be honest, your diary has upset and annoyed me for the last time.
    Firstly, you never truely have found a place called home, and you never will, because to find a home – a place in the world – you first have to exist in the world like everyone else and be a part of it. To do that you have to act selflessly sometimes, and right now I dont believe you have the ability to act selflessly. You said it yourself in this entry: "I have always known that I wanted to live selfishly." Everything you do or write is about you. Perhaps the reason you dont like relationships is that you arent selfless enough to put someone elses needs before yours – and thats a sad place to be in.
    Secondly, you said that you live with people who believe they know you, but that they dont really know you because they get hostile if you do something outside of the "Mish box," when to you, of course, everything you do is still you, its still part of Mish. Well, speaking personally I dont get hostile when you do something that i percieve is out of the Mish box, i get hostile when you do something that is out of the human box. if you get rid of your emotions and feelings – if you get rid of the ability to care for people, and stop people being able to care or even emote to you then you arent human any more. And that is what upsets me. Because more and more you seem less and less human, and harder and harder to care for. Eventually people are gonna give up, and as much as you say you dont mind being alone, i think you’ll find it very hard to ever be happy if you drive all of your friends away.
    As far as boxes go, if you feel as if you are in a box, if you feel restrained that is no ones fault but your own. You said it yourself – "I want to be bigger than I am, the construct of a Mish is what I need." This is what you claim to want, and this is what you do. You project the idea of Mish into our minds and in doing so you create a box for yourself, so please dont complain about it. We put ouselves in boxes – we are human, we control our own destiny, and if you want to be unrestrained the only person who can do anything about that is you.
    "Is running away not a valid option any more?" No it isnt Mish, running away can be useful in a life or death situation,or in a situation you cant handle. But part of growing up is learning how to deal with things, learing how to cope with life and not running away. If you constantly run away you are never gonna be true to yourself, or to anyone else. "but I don’t want to be one of those awful people always running away from things that they don’t like." Mish, you are one of those people.
    There is so much more i could say, there is so much more that you have upset me about. But i dont want to write any more. You may think ive been harsh – but i could have been harsher. And i know that writing this on your diary is probably wrong, but it was the only way i could envision you ever even noticing this protest to what you write. Im sorry, truely i am. But what im more sorry about is the fact that everything ive said is true.

  2. If we don’t know you after a year of friendship, then perhaps there’s little point in trying for a second. It seems after all from your entry that your regard for me only extends as far my ability to grant hugs and make your home life less stressful and more convenient.
    I mean, what have you ever done for me? You snap at me, you talk down to me like I’m an uneducated four-year old who doesn’t understand the way things work. You call me faddy (when anyone who knows ME will tell you that my tastes haven’t changed in decades, let alone months.)You yell at me to go away when all I do is say hello…

    If after a year of friendship we still don’t know you, then what have you told us in the last twelve months? What have you shown us? Lies? Facades?
    In the last twelve months we have shared coffee, meals, a home, even a bed and we have swopped stories and tragedies and amusing accounts of times past and still you claim we don’t know you? Either you are being decietful now, or you were then!

    If you want to spend your entire life going round with your shields up, that’s fine by me, but remember that shields inhibit transporters so no-one can beam help in, and you can’t beam anything out either!

    Go around with your shields up, but I’m not going to waste any more torpedoes trying to break in.

    Like shell, I am also sorry for carrying this out in a public forum, but like shell, I never found anyother way of getting through to you.

  3. If it helps, Mish, I couldn’t put you in a box if I tried, unless it was box saying ‘miscellaneous’ or something similar . 😉

  4. Ok, I’ll try to step lightly on what is clearly thin ground… but if you want to break down your shields, find someone who you know will truly keep secrets and who you really in your heart trust not to hurt you in any way, and confide in them! I of all people know that opening yourself up is hard, but if you find that one person and let them in, then you may weaken those shields enough to let more in.

    Hope you listen to this lurker… and I’ll bite my tongue on your "people I know see me as the person that they first met" comment.

  5. (Jumping in late, and possibly re-igniting embers that had started to cool…)

    Hmm, I can see where Giggles and Orange are coming from, and I don’t blame them for being annoyed.

    In fact, after last Friday, I very nearly left a ‘totally frank and honest’ entry in my Blurty, but I was drunk, so I decided to leave it til morning, and then decided against it. At least, not on a public forum.

    In all honesty, Mish, we do know you, in some ways perhaps even better than you know yourself.

    You’re the one who always tries to be utterly free of emotional ties, when it’s so obvious that you’re reliant on your friends (the latter bit’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with it). Your closest friendships take on many of the features of romance – people have noticed.

    Your determination to be this independent, non-reliant, non-clingy person leads you to detach yourself from other people’s feelings – occasionally you border on the completely unempathic – and you’re fully capable of insulting or hurting the feelings of others without realising it. (Yes, I’m talking specifically about me, but other people are affected similarly as well, usually to a lesser extent, but sometimes to a greater extent.)

    I once described you as a ‘catalyst’, and thought that was a good thing, since it stopped you getting overly affected by things around you. Maybe I was wrong, and you need to be affected a little bit more.

    Or rather, you need to ~let yourself~ be affected.

    By the way, "people I know see me as the person that they first met"? Yeah, to an extent. First impressions, and all that. But I had the fortune (good? bad? who knows?) to meet you during that nasty patch at the start of the second year.

    You’ve changed since then, but I think you were a lot more connected to people, a lot more honest to yourself, when we first met. Sure, you were going through a difficult term, and by the end of it you were almost the current you, but I still believe that it’s the real you that surfaces when you’re upset – at other times since then, when you’ve confided in me, I see that old you behind the faux-impervious Mish. She’s still there. Take a look. You’ll recognise her by the painful emotions that make her so human.

    Give her a wave from me.

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