FoxyJonno laughedat me a while back and told me I had a vocation to escape from. I wasn’t so sure I agreed with him about calling my wanting to be a teacher a vocation, now I rather think it is. But can I do it? I love the teaching that they have so far allowed me (barely) to do. I love working with the SEN class that they let me trail; however, here comes the crux of the matter…do I want to be a teacher?
I’ve had five days off now, a working week, I’m halfway through my half term, I’ve had some time to think (something I’ve been missing sorely) and I guess thats kind of the point. I love teaching; I love the interaction with the pupils. But I hate not having a life when that part of it that is taking over is driving me nuts. I could happily work with the pupils all day, but I’m not required to do that, I’m required to work with them for part of the day and then spend the rest of my time writing assignments and all the rest of it, even the lesson plans only seem to take a few hours.
I miss my friends, this is (hopefully) going to be my last year in this country for a while so I’m grabbing every oppurtunity to see them. Yet when I do, I’m snappish, slightly tense and about ready to drop. I’ve become too focussed on things so much so that I’m missing people, I’m not only missing people I’m missing bits of my own head!
Now realistically would teaching be like this? Well yes you do have the paperwork; lesson plans and evaluations etc. Although Sweetie suggested that learning to teach is like learning to drive; you learn what you should be doing rather than what you’ll necessarily do, which is a fair comment. But even then I know what the paperwork levels are like, my Dad and Mum both come home with the mountains and usually have it done by tea time etc etc. So it wouldn’t take over my whole life anymore than any other job would. Then we come to another problem, or is it a problem? Its the working to somebody elses timetable, something I’d have to do in any job but something that I really haven’t done for the past five years, the flexibility of student life really rather suited me.
I came onto campus today, caught up with Kimblebobs and Oliver and all the rest of ’em. Even Joe who shouldn’t be here anymore than me! And the freedom washed over me. So am I saying I don’t want a job? Nope the prospect of life on the dole holds little appeal. What am I saying? That theres something of a shock in adjusting to the real world, well that certainly holds true but would hold true anywhere. I think perhaps that teaching in this country is not how I want to teach, the strictures of how its supposed to be done is beginning to seem more than a restriction but a constriction. I always wanted to teach abroad…except that I assumed it would just be for a couple of years, perhaps it will be for longer than I envisaged? Or perhaps I will end up doing something else…maybe running this site more seriously? My own little home business…
It was in Paris that I suddenly remembered something that seems to have been forgotten for several months or years or brain flips. Being a teacher was only supposed to be a means to an end: a way to keep myself in food and clothes until I could make it as a writer. I got caught up in it, so much so that I’m not sure what happened to the writer in me. She turned into a poet for a start….
Ah navel gazing…so much fun!