Seems like everyone around here is talking children. Not so surprising really since one of the women in the department is pregnant and the others are all mothers. The girls in all the classes are fascinated by babies…being pregnant can really get the kids to shut up which is nice.
It’s so strange, being fed all this information about pregnancy; pregnancy is something that I consider a negative thing. It’s not a popular notion I know but my conception of pregnancy is all about pain, awkwardness, dread and children…children being the most negative thing about the situation. I don’t hate all children, just the rude ones, the ones who I seem to be teaching who seem to have no desire to be human.
Pregnant; its a word that I can’t seem to say without a shudder. It used to be that a lot of girls my own age would agree with me, but it seems like their ambition extended to pregnancy at a future time rather than pregnancy not at all as mine seems to.
Its as though everyone wants children, mostly it seems to be men that I speak to who’s desires are wife and children. Perhaps it’s my immaturity that I just don’t get it, you want a wife and children? What for? What do you do with them? I’ve never had this ambition to be with people, or push people into how I want them to be; well except for the egocentricity of teaching, and that’s because I believe perception to be important. Why make more of you?
I don’t want a child, I don’t see anything wrong in other people wanting children; Giggles for example I can really see as a Mum, and I’m saying this about someone I like without the faintest trace of an insult though if it was said about me I’m sure I would take it as one.
There can be better children in the world, there can be better parents than the crop we have now, but I can do better things for that crop of parents and children than become one. I have this feeling that Hemmingway may have said something similar. Of course if I follow Hemmingway’s path of writing, shooting, fishing and lots of sex I don’t have the ability to leave, as he did, hundreds of mistresses popping his sprogs all over the world.
A cynical thought occurs, is that why early 60s and 70s feminists were so bitchy about men like Hemmingway, commitment phobic and selfish to the nth degree? If they tried it they wouldn’t be able to do all of it, ie. there would be nobody left behind of them. Is that why then? The idea of a dynasty of something of you carrying on, some sort of immortality gained via children?
No, there are better things I can do for this world than try for immortality via children.
Someone said that they thought they’d be ‘further on’ than this when they were twenty one. I think thats another reason that pregnancy fills me with dread, there seems to be some idea that this life is a conveyor belt, that we step on at one end and we go through these poses, motions, set pieces and when we have performed our last we drop off the other end without having actually done anything. Pregnancy seems always to me to be one of those set pieces, performed often with no more idea than: this is the next step.
People like Giggles and… in fact Giggles seems to be the only one I can think of right now, who want babies for babies, want them to bring them up and love them, thats different. Thats not a ‘I want a wife and I want children because thats what’s done.’
All the kids at this school wnt babies, a couple of them want them now. Some of the boys admit to it, mostly they are pretneding to be of a Hemmingway disposition. All the girls say is ‘next step: boyfriend, next step: babies’ like well drilled little machines who haven’t the wit to open their brains.
I can’t stand this parrot fashion existence. I’m looking out over a sea of faces who are all mimicking each other without any idea of what they’re mimicking.