So Blue Eyes is back. Yes he’s getting a nick-name; I might end up referring to him a bit more from now on. He randomly messaged me and now I want to go back home (and where is home exactly?) It strikes me on occasion how much I live submerged in my past ; my actions constrained by results they once prooduced. But also how much I live in a cyclical existence, how much everything that happens to me has happened before in some guise or other. How much the Goddess or myself or whoever has put these things in front of me waiting for me to get it right, how much patience does my life hold? How much further can I push it?
Blue Eyes, Gods what a cycle. He dissappeared from my life for two years in hugely painful (to me) circumstances and I swore I would never cause that bad a fight/ split again…fucked that one up really well. Then he pops up on messenger to invite me for coffee a day or so before I leave for Mexico. This time he pops up and I’m in Japan, his timing is impeccable. Then, of course was more important than now, then we had a two year old argument to make up from.
It surprised me though, how much we fell into the old ways of talking, how much the conversation was the same. It surprised me last time too. We have known each other for half our lives, maybe a little longer now and we are different people now surely. Or perhaps only the shells have changed (and that not so very much) and the insides are still the same people we always were and we know each other; I had forgotten that. I had forgotten what it is like to have a conversation with someone who knows you, who knows you better than even you admit yourself to yourself. I fully believe he is my soulmate, oh I don’t mean the romantic crap and I certainly don’t mean that he and I are detined to be together or any bollocks of that nature. Soulmate is something that Blue Eyes himself would never believe in, it is simply souls fitting together, automatically knowing, just understanding each other; not because they are completely alike but because they know the other inside out. Messenger doesn’t get the nuances though, no looks, no voice tones, no gestures.
So why do I want to be home (where do I mean by home?) I want to be home to see the nuances; not just of Blue Eyes but of everyone who will be changed when I come back. Giggles and The Yellow Dart will have finished their Masters by the time I get back, who know’s if they’ll even be in Lancs anymore. Foxy Jonno and Princess Lex will be well gone by the time I return. Maybe I won’t stay two years? I don’t know. But everyone will be changed and thats part of the fun, with everyone else its a matter of discovery of noting the changes or figuring out whats what, now that the shells have changed.
And with Blue Eyes, I don’t think it would matter if I was away for a hundred years, I think we would see each other; “Hello darling”…and go right back to the same conversations and understandings as last time.
As for home. Home is where the Jellicle is. And I don’t know how long I can stay away.