So I made the decision to incorporate a bit of Japan in with my Wiccan practice this year, it seemed oddly appropriate somehow. So in with my three wishes and candles and the fake cherry blossoms decorating my altar there were dried soy beans and oni masks. Which, ok I’m making into a gargoyle for my balconey…it’s semi-Western semi-Japanese and mostly Mish! I came to the conclusion that that many soy beans to make a wish just tastes icky! And now I’ve got to make sure I find all the damn things that I threw inside for the ‘good luck in’ part of things!
The ritual itself was interestingly trippy, for the first time in ages (possibly since I was sixteen) I felt like I had something concrete to wish for myself rather than knowing what I’m wishing for the world, for others etc. and thinking forever about what to wish for myself. So that gave the whole thing a wierd angle for me, a future of a million possibilities that seem to have a shape already.
So anyone who reads this regularly will know that I’ve been reconsidering my position on love and relationships recently. Whenever I do this it seems like I come back to the same entrenched positions eventually. I do wonder if I am naturally built for love? Or whether I should just slam on the brakes, flip up the warning signs and dive for the cliff edges. Whatever I do, better look ahead, better convince myself that the bumps aren’t that bad, don’t whatever I do look behind, see the wreckages, smell the smoke laced with petrol. The cliffs are still there. All it would take is a brisk walk.
So relationships? They still feel like traps to me, they still seem like enviable positions within which to play stupid and dangerous mindgames. And yet, I think that people are capable of not. Some people really can get them right. I have felt for a long time like screaming to people ‘stop! you’ll get hurt!’ But equally, when I’m involved I warn people and tell them whats what, warn them that I’ll absorb all the shock that I can but tell them to make their own decisions. And so I absolve myself of the decisions of others. And guilt over them long after they’ve gone. No I’m certainly not built for relationships, too many ties and I have a morbid fear of ties. And love? Love terrifies me. Love angers and sickens me. The easy option is simply not to say anything, to keep things tight within me, to tell the object of my affection log after the danger has passed or simply never to say, to wrap myself around the hurt until it is a deep throbbing thing tight and locked within. The easy option is to walk away, and the horrible thing is I still could. Up sticks, leave post-it notes and walk.
The notion brings me a certain level of comfort. Nesuphyn and I were discussing the fact that coping mechanisms are there to aid in the coping not in the actually dealing with things. The fact that I could walk away from things has always amused Cuddles and the Torch, and they have always doubted it, I suspect there are a few people who don’t think I could or would now. But I could. And that realisation brings it’s own special kind of awfullness.
Its still Mish in here. A flying and floating Mish true. But it’s still Mish and sometimes Mishes are not nice. The decision not to run is one made of will not of instinct. And so I wonder if I am someone built for love or whether those cliffs are going to get more tempting as time passes.
For now though, for now I have chosen and I am in love with the two most fantastic men on the planet. And something even more miraculous, they say that they are in love with me! There you go Yellow Dart, an answer for you!