Falling in love is something that preoccupies me as my regular readers will know. Its something that a large part of my life is dedicated to avoiding or celebrating or knowing. My Gentleman Friend has said before that I treat Love (the Bitch) as something akin to a Goddess…maybe so…this entry is another foray into attempted understanding. It’s going to be long. Recent conversations with FFG, FoxyJonno, the Jellicle Cat, My Gentleman Friend, Mother-In-Law and Man Of Taste will probably be referenced.
First of all defining terms; there are not nearly enough words in the English language for love, I’ve blogged about this before. The two divisions I am about to describe are not wholly satisfactory either, because of chemistry and sex, but I will try and explain that as I go. The way that being in Love has crept upon me in past history means I am going to describe her as ‘The Bitch’ from now on.
At around 2pm for about 30 minutes on New Years Eve I suddenly felt a confusion I haven’t felt since I was 15 and the Bitch crept up on me for the first time. It didn’t last of course because I wasn’t actually raked by her claws. However the notion that Loving could be that strong when combined with other things was, although not exactly a new one, one I hadn’t really resolved in my head. Unfortunately trying to explain my epiphany to several people that night I ws right royally plastered and not making much sense.
This entry is mostly about the definitions of Love and Being in Love. The former is something I feel for my friends, my family etc. The latter is a state I am in caused by my feelings for the Jellicle Cat and My Gentleman Friend. I do not Love all of my friends, I like many of them but there is a line that gets crossed when the deepness of that emotion becomes Love. There are a few people who never started in the Like part of the spectrum but rather that I Love on firstish meeting; Nordic Lady, Mother-In-Law and my ex-Warder are three notable examples of this.
So, lets get rid of sex from the argument first. I am not in Love when I want to have sex with people, in fact I have found that being played with by The Bitch in the past makes me absolutely certain I don’t want to have sex with them because that cements things too much. In Love is a state which never entirely leaves you, I may not like Blue Eyes very much after last summer but the vestiges of that state still remain and I intend to remain friends with him, I can’t imagine existing in an emotional state of being where I am not. Blue Eyes, is a special case because he was a first love. But lets go with the second Blue Eyes (I suspect you know exactly who you are but lets proceed with this charade all the same shall we?), he has occaisionally been cavalier in his treatment of me but not even in the same league as Blue Eyes. I strongly suspect he could murder someone and I’d send letters to his prison cell. I am not in love with these people anymore yet I do not Love them in the same way I do FFG or any of my other friends. However, having once been in that state where the Bitch shook me by my ankles from the ceiling, means that I can never simply like them. There will always be some sort of connection of knowledge of that person, a spider-light connection that is shared.
I am perfectly happy to have sex with someone I Love or have chemistry with, I view sex whilst being in the grips of The Bitch to be a rather serious thing, because then there is an added dimension that takes us away from the playfullness of sex that I really enjoy. Sex is something that can be played with with people I like, people I love or people I am in love with. It’s different everytime but its all part of a wonderful game