I have not always, in every aspect of my life, lived passionately. Indeed, my passions scare me at times particularly those aimed at the artistic side of my life. Yet this is not why I worry other people, or why other people think I’m slightly odd. That all seems to stem from the ways I deflect my passions, the ways I lessen them? I wonder if that old robot accusation rings truer than I wanted? I don’t think it does. I think that my habit of keeping a distance doesn’t lessen the emotions but it lessens the reactions, increases the thought and that means I have a get out clause (effectively). I mean that I can step back, I can be aware of the approaching swamp and skirt it (usually).

See when you do follow your heart, even if the heart is not traditionally involved in an activity, there always runs the risk of doubt and disappointment and I think that I have a set lot of activities where I know the warning signs for the swamp and know where to step. I think that I was not expecting to be so thoroughly downcast earlier today when I wondered ‘can I do this thing?’ I don’t know if I can. But I know I want to know how far I can go with it. I know that recently it has been obvious that I’m avoiding parts of myself to make life easier, and now I can go there, I can prod and probe and try this thing.

Dancing from place to place has been my style for a long while now. Attempting anything solid has always concerned me. Well, lets see how far I can go with this solidity. Maybe it will all twist in my grasp and it will be proved I’m for surfaces not for depths. But I’ll never know unless I try and I know how deep the swamps can go and this afternoon’s doubt wasn’t a patch on that.

3 thoughts on “Doubt

  1. Without knowing the full context, my comment may be out of place – but my first impression of you was "so much depth!"…

  2. My goal in life has long been to encompass both.

    I suck at doing this, but I honestly believe it’s possible.

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