I’m not seizing anything at the moment. I missed a day of work today through my mobile being out of range at the wrong time.
I think that they’ve finally cancelled my credit card but I couldn’t get through on the phones to ask them. I suppose they could have done it at a worse time given that I don’t owe anything on it.
I feel like I’m slowly losing my freedom, weekdays I send my CV out into the ether and pretend that I’m going to get a job soon. I write and I draw and I practice the piano as if I were some sort of eighteenth century socialite looking for a husband. On Fridays I go to the library and pretend that it actually means something and is at all worth while. All the while I’m gradually doing less and less and feeling more tired. I don’t feel so much as if my wings have been clipped as someone has been plucking feathers from them one by one and I’ve only just noticed I can’t fly anymore.
I know that this is sounding a bit like I’m heading swampwards but I’m not. It’s a growing nag that weighs on me at times more than others but I know I’ll get there in the end. To be honest the only thing thats really weighing on me in that sort of nervous tingling shakey way is one of those relationship questions that has me going ‘what makes me think I’m worth any of this hassle?’ Both of the wonderful men in question assure me that I am, but when I think of some of the things I ask of them, of my friends and of my lovers I have to wonder… I can’t take the world on anyone’s terms but my own and my own are so very exacting.
Perhaps its a good thing that I like the idea of living alone with cats, maybe that will be how I go, sat in a living room gazing into middle distance and thinking of all the amazing conversations, of all the fantastic sex, of all the painting and all the books and all the people. I think if you have enough memories then they insulate you against the ‘old person’ smell.
I wish that there was some sort of tone with text, it really does sound like I’m down, I’m not. Though I suppose it counts as a swamp signpost that I’m not much of anything at the moment. It’s just been one of those days. No work, no money, no ability to give anything of any worth to anyone. I know that last bit isn’t exactly true but I don’t feel like I’m helpful to anyone at the moment, not even myself and the money thing plays into that. I want so much to make my friends smile and I feel like I’m shitty company at the moment. I’ve had to cancel on MoT more than I would like.
The way that people regard personal relationships differently has had me curious for a long time but it really only got brought home to me the other day. I view many things as being infinitely more casual than a lot of people do. The ways that different people need to do the same things has always intrigued me but when you’re in a relationship and you need to make behavioural compromises its not so much curiousity as a certain amount of confusion. I’m so used to my patterns of behaviour that when I find myself behaving differently because thats how I’m expected to behave, or because thats how someone else needs me to be then it throws me off. I used to say that I was no good at relationships. I don’t know if thats true or not anymore but I think that the parts that I find difficult and easy are opposite from the parts that most other people I’ve met.
I try to live the life I need to live, but it means I look around and I talk and I ask ‘What would you do?’ and in the end theres just me and a load of books, like it always has been. This means that I have no idea sometimes if I’m really hurting someone and that bothers me so much.
There are three people who are really putting themselves out for me on Saturday. I’ve got no idea how things are going to go. I know I need this to happen and that this is more about my needs than any of theirs. I hope like hell that… it’s worth it? I’m worth it? I can make things worth it? Maybe if I had less effect on the people around me, if I kept my head down more and bit my lip then would people around me be any happier? I suspect I’m putting myself up as having more effect than I actually do. I wouldn’t be any happier not being me. So I guess I just have to cling to my selfishness and hope. Thats a human thing, right?