Some muttering about spider-lights and oneness follows.
I must quite a bit on the differences between ‘in love’ and ‘love’ and what it is to love people. I don’t think I spend enough time complaining about there not being enough words for love in the English language. There is a problem in trying to define love when I’ve divided it into only two camps for so long. Its bollocks and I think its probably born out of the childish desire to declare ‘no I don’t fancy her, but she’s my friend’. Playground politics still floating in my head. I don’t think I’ve ever grown up in too many ways, I doubt I ever will really because I enjoy this place I occupy, somewhere between pre-teen and teen. (Crowley would dissaprove no doubt)
But the point is, I don’t think that adults, real ones, dare feel as much as a teenager does. Until I met My Gentleman Friend I didn’t believe that the sheer addictive rush that I felt when with Blue Eyes was possible above the age of about seventeen. I’m sure that this is mostly to do with my ending my teens in the numbness of the Swamp beneath the Cliff. I suspect thats why I felt quite so passionately about the Naiad and also why meeting and falling for the Second Blue Eyes felt quite so much like finding a life-saving ring.
The point is that loves touch each other in their intensity and in the ways in which they are felt but they’re like colours on a palette, none are quite mixed the same. The point is that when FFG and I reached the point that we could say ‘I love you’ to each other and not have it mixed up in some notion of sex and property and relationship that we knew we had reached out along the spider-light thread at the exact same moment and the touching there was what it was and was not being misread. Similarly with Cornish Bloke and I, only with added philosophy.
The point is, that I love quite widely and love is about… well I suppose oneness is a reasonable description, it’s about connection and desiring that connection and pulling along the thread to accept the changes that flow along it.
I believe that acknowledging those connections takes time, but I’m willing to be mistaken on that. I know that there are people out there with whom I’ve had connections that haven’t been built over time but have seemingly jumped right in, fully formed. Mother-In-Law and Nordic Lady are two who spring to mind immeadiately.
I still have trouble admiting that I change people. I think that plays into my inability at times to express emotion properly. I’m not sure if thats to do with my mental state or my sense of self or not. FFG is adamant that I changed him, and for the better. I think that flowing lights along the spider-threads mean that change is probably inevitable. I don’t know, the idea of my affecting other people is one that makes me nervous. Everyone changes everyone else of course, I don’t think I’m special in this, but… I think I lost the thread of what I was trying to say. I’ll try again later.