The thing is I do largely regard myself as a bit fucked up. I like myself fine and I like where I’ve ended up, but, the way I came, that I wouldn’t recomend to anyone. I suppose its because i see the events in my life as being very much linked to the person that I am.
I come to my own decisions as regards relationships and my conduct, but its largely about being me. It bothers me when people think I’m cool or what have you, not that it isn’t flattering but I want people to go and figure things out for themselves not pay attention to me. I’m doing what I need to, the reasoning is not always healthy but I know that its me. I know that the path I took wasn’t always a great one, but you make the best of a bad job.
I mean, I think most people are probably a bit fucked up by this stage in their lives. Its just that I want everyone else to have taken the pretty way.
I’ve spent a lot of today not making sense, my headspace is not well defined today. In short, I’m a bit wibbly, not noticeably (unless you read this blog or talk to me or whatever), but because I’ve agreed to take a course of action and now its happening and its an action I’m entirely passive for. Theres nothing I can do to help or hinder and I have no reference points whatsoever for this.
I’ve not felt quite so out of my depth for a long time. Its about trust and emotions and they are two areas of my life that I’m still not good at. Having said that, its about trust and emotions, and I know that the people involved I do completely trust as regards this. Its all part of this journey after all, like going out on the moors without a compass.
I have no reference points, I will do by this time tomorrow. Looking at things like that, its a pretty interesting situation to be in. I still wish it was tomorrow already. But in a minute I get to go upstairs and theres the Jellicle Cat and I’m home.
I measured the distance from Heaven to Hell
How will we do only time will tell
Oh when will you stop worrying
What anyone says doesn’t mean a thing
Just tell me you’re feeling it
And you’re not disbelieving it
I’ll pay you in kind or silver and gold
I want to ignore all the stories I’m told
Make me an offer I cannot refuse
You know if I win then that means you lose
Just say you believing it
That you’re not, not feeling it
Dwelling on the memories
Is such a waste of energy
It’s simple when you see it in front of you
On walls, in bedrooms
Hold you’re head up higher
Don’t tell me you’re not strong enough
Is your journey over
I hope you feel that I am the one
Only time will tell
Just say you’ll be loving me
For an eternity
Oh I feel tired of all of these games
Everywhere, everything is the same
Tell me you’ll promise you might come with me
The start of a Journey from A to B
I’ll be happy to carry you
Even though I know I haven’t got the strength to hold you
I need you more than ever before
If our journey’s over
I hope that you will find someone who will love you more
Now not for the first time
What I want might not be mine
If you say you won’t come along
Then I know I can go it alone
– Journey From A to B by Badly Drawn Boy