So, me and pain huh. Well it’s fairly well documented that I like spanking. Quite a lot actually. It’s reasonably well-known that I’m into a bit of dom-sub play (no I’m not a hugely serious person when it comes to that scene) and anyone who hasn’t worked out I like the bondage thing as well probably hasn’t been paying attention. (Yet I would still claim to be vanilla). A couple of things have come up in conversation over the past week or so that I haven’t really considered before as regards my sexual tastes.
These things are the fact I used to self-harm and the fact that I am terrified of injections.
Ok. So the needles thing, giving blood and injections, I can’t actually do the former (shagging a man who has shagged another man puts you way out of the loop on that – doesn’t even matter if you’ve used condoms or not never mind the weird South American parasite that lurks in my bloodstream) and the latter I have had to get over somewhat. I had to have eleven injections in 2000, seven in 2001, five in 2002 and three in 2004. I remain petrified of needles though, when being injected (especially in the gums for that tooth extraction I had earlier this year) I absolutely have to concentrate on something else. Meditative techniques got rapidly better as a result of those eleven injections. Definately better than when I fainted (into the arms of the Wolf I fancied at the time) over my TB injection.
However, what I don’t like about injections seems to be what everyone else I’ve talked to about this doesn’t like, that is the simple fact that something is pushing into you. Some foreign object is sliding under your skin and inside you. The thought of that is giving me the shivers right now. I need to count ceiling tiles or read posters on the walls in the doctors office when it’s actually happening, I told my Gentleman Friend how many stitches the dentist had on his coat pocket after the tooth came out. Pulling it out was fine it was the pushing something inside me I didn’t like.
Ok lets move on from injections. It is not well known, perhaps, that I used to self-harm, I don’t talk about it much, I don’t see the need to mention it. To give you an idea of how bad it was my friend Thrip upon inviting me to a party in Cambridge chose as his first question ‘How bad are your arms?’ about two years after he had last seen me. However I did not habitually cut myself, cutting myself was something I regarded as being about trying to end me, hurting myself was something all together different, it was about the pain. I preferred to burn myself, the pain lasted longer. I was, however more than aware that part of the reason I did not cut was about the penetration issue, I didn’t like the notion of pushing inside myself, of opening myself up.
Lets move on again, this time to piercings, I have seven, three of those I did myself. I was very proud of that, I deliberately pierced myself and made myself real and faced that type of pain that scares me (check the eleventh of October 2004 if you’d like to know more). Mostly when it comes to piercings though, they are the same as needles, sure they only hurt for a small amount of time but I’ve had to actually work towards bringing myself to thinking of what they’re doing to me.
Pain comes in many forms, some of which is good, I like to be spanked, it turns me on. I like small amounts of certain types of pain, I enjoy getting tattooes because the hurt lasts and is somehow a good hurt (it’s more akin to being scratched than really cut in my head). I have speculated endlessly on the idea that I might be a lesbian and it’s largely down to my feelings about penetration. To be pushed into, to have something/someone inside me is scary as fuck to me. It’s akin to the fear I needed to get over as regards piercings, its definately akin to the reason I’ve previously fainted when it comes to injections. Yeah, I can hear people laughing at this one. It’s true I’ve had more men than women, it’s true that certain of my sexual tastes do relate to penetration, but, the notion of it has that same shiver down my spine. I think thats at the heart of my real dislike/nervousness of penii which are on the larger side (I’m counting anything over about 6 inches as big here)
Some longterm readers may remember a few years ago now when a certain larger lover of mine caused me to end up down at A&E requiring stitches to a certain beloved part of my anatomy. This almost certainly plays into the dislike for larger men, but mostly it’s to do with being penetrated. This is where the dom sub thing comes into play for me. In order to get into sex with men for a large amount of my sexual life I absolutely had to have control of the whole thing, which is, lets be fair here, not me. I am a total sub, sure I can have sex and enjoy it in other ways but not all the time. I like to have someone else in control, and for that I need to know them, I need to utterly trust them and know that they are capable of giving me what I need… I mean I have all this crap about penetration and so when it comes to men, I double the need to trust them if they’re going to be in control.
So what am I thinking exactly, that basically I regard sex involving penetration to be part of the pain scale and it’s on those terms that I enjoy it, that to me penetration can play heavily into the dom-sub relationship because it’s seen as being a part of the pain scale and more notably that because I see it as being part of that that I need to trust men far more than I ever do women. Although really when it comes down to it, having sex with guys is about how far I trust myself, if I know I can get out, run for the door then I get to have sex with them. Better though, are those moments when I know that theres no need to run, that everything will be fine because the person/people involved are so trustworthy I can just give up myself for an hour or two and let them do as they would with me.
Gods I like sex.