Fridays can be wonderful or they can be total killers. Today was not a good Friday. Fridays I go to the library and look at the jobs section of TES. For the past few weeks there have been lots and lots of art teaching positions, just none around here, or at least none around here that I feel I will get. Don’t get me wrong I’m applying and everything but I can’t seem to believe that these applications are going to get any further than the others.
My driving lesson this morning was also, well, just plain depressing. I can’t drive anymore, I’ve been trying for seven years and everytime I level up as it were so does the exam. I’ve spent most of the day despairing of my abilities in pretty much every direction. Writing, friendship, driving, working, everything. I mean thats four months since I had any regular work. Not a sniff really on the writing front and I really stuff up this week on the friendship front. My driving instructor is no longer sure I’m up to test standard whereas back in January she thought I was.
I can feel the tentacles of this world trying to drag me down. I properly smiled today when I was reminded of the grail quest but the greyness of this place is trying to deny the reality of it, trying to suggest that all I am existing for is unreal and I’m just sublimating my existence here.
I wonder can I only live really when I have people watching me or when no one’s around, is this half and half existence trying to subsume me, trying to pull me back into the swamp and back into the grey.
Its no good, I really am feeling quite miserable today. I’ll be better tomorrow.