I was talking some time ago about why I dislike being admired. Thats not strictly true, I love compliments and general admiration because I am incredibly vain and basically up myself. But there is something about people admiring qualities that they percieve in me that puts me on edge, especially when friends do it. I think that its largely because I would like to be how those people tell me I’m wonderful for being. I’ve said before that I like to be admired for things that don’t count. Its very easy to accept a compliment that you know is essentially meaningless whereas one that is actually meant makes me nervous, I wonder if it’s because I know that if the person in question really thinks that of me that it means I will let them down?
I did a small tranceworking this week during which I was supposed to confront my main fear, I’m either scared of the cold, lizardmen or letting people down. It was kind of a disappointment that thats supposed to be this huge deal, and yet, it is. I don’t want to let anyone down. It’s why I’m so hot for making sure people know where they stand with me… but it leaves me again and again in a position where I essentially tell my friends that I really don’t care if they mess me about or if they don’t tell me where I stand with them.
I live far too much in my own head and when I don’t have an external pressure, by which I guess I mean a job, I get myself worked up about pointless stuff. This isn’t really very unusual, it happens to everyone, and it’s because I don’t have anything meaningful to work myself up about. The guilt comes because I could. My willpower is going in a million directions at once because I feel essentially powerless to plunge into any given direction, as if I can’t possibly make any given direction work. Which certainly relates back to having rejection after rejection for manuscripts and CVs etc.etc.
I have work today, so far it’s consisted of doing very little but this afternoon I should actually get to teach. People generally have me down as being confident, it’s very easy to be confident over things that don’t matter like appearance or performance or whatever, but when it comes down to things that do matter like friendship or not letting people down (and thats essentially what having a paying job comes under) I become a complete wreck lately.
If I were to admit that relationships were good, that everyone forms everyone else and that I was formed by others then that would be more people to whom I owe things. Ie. I suspect there would be more people that my head could say I was letting down by simply not existing properly.
What do I want? I want to write, I am writing. I want to be published and I want a contract to keep writing and be paid for it. I want to find the Holy Grail. Does this relate back to the writing? In part. So I’m reading and writing in an attempt to find a concept. It should be enough but as it is I’m getting more and more stressed and it’s turning all sane reactions up that extra-notch to be inappropriate or whatever. In turn this is making my writing pretty much pants because I’ve got no real quality control going on at the moment.
I need to relax, easier said that done, I’ve lost the stable Mish-base that I did have because I’ve spent so long proclaiming it worthless and not allowing myself to talk about it to people. Thus it ends up with me back on the real plane without a standard base because I know that they really were worthless to me and yet feeling I should be satisfied by one.
What do I want? To somehow prove that its ok to be me and that it will all come together how I want it to. Who am I proving this to? Well, who do you think is my harshest critic?