I have worried sometimes this year that I have been stepping occasionally towards a boggy path from some time ago. So far it looks as if that isn’t happening (touching wood) but there is a hell of a lot of background anxiety and the level seems to keep on rising.
I don’t think that thres anything or anyone that can really take the blame for that one, not even me if I’m honest. I don’t have a job, as far as I can work out my CV is damn good – so can’t exactly pin that one on me as ’twere. In as much as I can see as regards the CV it’s either too good or all employers are focusing on is the fact that I graduated in 2004 (from my PGCE) and I have yet to begin my NQT year. I guess people who don’t think magically are going to see it as indicative of my rising tides of anxiety that I am beginning to suspect that someone is trying to tell me something. (Of course they may also be relieved to hear that I think it entirely possible that I am trying to tell myself something.)
I am trying to make my life the way I want it. I know poly people, I know artsy people, a hell of a lot of my friends want to be writers or run their own businesses or whatever. But I don’t know anyone who wants the life that I want. I guess that to achieve that I have to put a lot of effort in and thats where the rising stress levels come from. I get scared that because what I want is a bit unusual that it’s not going to happen. I get really frightened that my friends, my lovers, my boyfriends, any of you, all of you aren’t really in this all the way and that the way I want to sculpt my life isn’t to your tastes. That doesn’t really matter generally, after all it’s me who’s wanting to live this way and none of the rest of you have to or anything. But sometimes I worry that this means eventually all the paths will diverge, and what really scares me is the fact that if they did diverge I’d keep on going my own way. I don’t know if this makes me driven or just selfish. Maybe both. This is my life and it’s going to be great whether or not it drives me mad first. (My writing might improve if it does after all.)
I love you.
The three words that I find hardest to say where I mean it most. It takes me time, I get frightened by that. There is so little time in this world, and so much to do, each scrap of a second, each moment must be grabbed by both hands. So it scares me not to be able to say exactly what I mean when I mean it. To have to rely on inuited meanings, on felt things that may be mis-interpreted. Yet, it feels so good to freefall in these things. To feel completely and have that spider-light thread from person to person and to simply drop.
Does life only come back to these three words then? Is that what I am struggling to say? Hardly. There is so much more to this world than the simple formation of social networking groups. There is more to the web than the simply weave of a spider’s thread, no matter how golden or holy. Yes, I do regard some of my friendships as holy, as having sacred sections in their composition. Without the initial web, without the floating section through which we warp and weft as we fall and freefall again on these words, there is no base to build from. Yes, I’m going to start talking about souls. We build our little golden spirits direct from the free-flowing foundations of the floating web. We create our souls with those we let in, with every spider-light-thread we begin. We begin from our physical selves, from these bodies which we ourselves create, which we ourselves control – I’m not saying we have complete and total control, what I am saying is that what we do with the initial lump that we get landed with is our choice. Every tattoo upon our body is a potential beginning, as much so as the less tangible lights we dance with.
If I were to sever all ties now. If I were to bleed myself dry, I would still have the basis of the soul I am creating. Of course, I am so much further away from my ultimate goal, I need a soul with which to face the grail. I need a soul of which I am proud, of which I am convinced I can face the grail with. That I can fall to my knees and lower my lips to and drink deeply although it squeezes and crushes my new-formed soul.
I’m sinking slowly beneath this tide of anxiety but I am still swimming and pretty soon I know theres going to be sand beneath my feet, thats why I’m keeping on with the swimming. All life preservers at this point are welcome. I’m worried though, that I will sink before sight of land. I’m worried that I haven’t said everything I needed to. So, you all know who you are if you need to know it.
I love you, and we will always have Our Place.
I love you, you are my home.
I love you, you came back to me and we’re so good now.
I love you, I wish I saw more of you.
I love you, I’m so blissfully happy when we’re together.
I love you, you’re being a total idiot right now though.
I love you, I’m glad you’re getting it together.
I love you, this bizarre trust surprises me constantly.
I love you, I wish we could talk more often.
I love you, I have missed spending time with you recently.
I love you, when we get together I feel so connected with you and that feels really good.
I love you, stop blaming yourself.
I love you, I think you’re going to be one of the amazing friends on my list rather than visa-versa.
I love you, but it’s all such a long time ago isn’t it.
I love you, I don’t think I’ll ever stop, I hope we get to dance again soon.
I love you, I know we never managed to get it together but I like what we’re getting together now.
I love you, I hope things kep on going your way, and you’ll never know how much I mean that I think.
I love you, I’m sorry I find it so difficult to talk.
I love you, but I wish we could have spoken about it.
I love you and I don’t want you to leave.