This does discuss my preferences in the bedroom, having heard that my Dad might be reading this I’m putting a warning in.
This is a conversation that keeps on coming up, however what prompted me to write this was an MSN conversation with a man I’ve known for a while in the context of me being a cam girl and him being someone who has sent me a few rather nice presents over the years.
I suspect that this position will have some people rasing their eyebrows already.
He claimed that I could not still claim to call myself a feminist. Now, he claimed this, having fully accepted my position as a feminist whilst I was a cam-girl, flashing myself to the www at large and even having sex (a lot) on camera, (this is something that a number of my friends at the time and since have debated). So I was quite intrigued as to what made him change his mind. Apparently I cannot be a feminist whilst at the same time being a sub.
So for those of us on the outside of the BDSM community (and that includes myself, I flirt round the edges rather than being that organised) what do I mean when I say ‘sub’? I get off on being submissive, on other people telling me what to do both in a sexual and less obviously sexual setting. Another part of my very subby nature is an intense liking for being tied down and spanked, or just for being tied down.
I regard myself as a feminist, someone who fully believes that women are equal to men, that every member of society has a valid voice and should be heard and should contribute.
I have absolutely no problem with reconciling this with the games I like to play in bed. The two positions do not to me seem to be contradictory, without everyone having a voice and feeling confident enough to act on it then any real dom/sub play could not hope to exist. I’m not sure whether I’d feel this confident if I was straight or if I would feel that the gender of my dom somehow made a difference… but the fact remains that I leaped into sex and I’ve never felt unable to figure out and voice what I liked. And I like the subby side of things… so does this, as has been stated in the past suggest I have no backbone?
No, for exactly the same reason that I’m still a feminist even though I like my lovers to be dominant over me, I have a blindfold somewhere that states ‘freedom is choosing whose slave to be’ or something. I get to choose when and where I give the control over whichever situation to whoever it is. I also get to choose if I don’t. As an independant woman I have had the chance to play, to figure out what turns me on and I have a voice to ask for those things and find people who will play them with me. I find the two things incredibly complementary.
Course, just because my preference is for the subbier side of things doesn’t mean I don’t play other games, but apparently those other games don’t clash with being a feminist, mainly because until you look at power-play everything else in the bedroom is just fun and games – apparently.