That Little Voice

I’m not like other girls.

Go on, how’s that for a nicely wrapped up in self notion to start off the emo-entry for today? The weird thing is, I’m oddly terrified of admitting that. I suspect, were I to get all Freudian I could prolly blame my parents, I embarrassed them a hell of a lot growing up (and, oh yeah believe me I knew it)., on the other hand I’m twenty six years old. That’s officially too old to have a job within the sex industry unless you’re already established, so I’m pretty sure that it’s also too old to blame my parents for the fact that I’m pretty damn miserable right now. Of course I was never that big on blaming them when I was supposed to be, all black clothes and hair and teeny angst.

I honestly think I’d forgotten quite how bad it gets down here. I look around just like I’ve always looked around and I see people who have it a hell of a lot worse than me and I think I’m not really depressed. Someone else used the dreaded d-word today and it’s like a little fucking light goes on, oh yes, someone else said it – that’s allowed.


Back to my favourite topic of the moment, my mental health, I’m not like other girls and it worries me. I look around me and pretty much most of my friends (girls) are looking for romance and love and all the rest of it with one other person, a bloke, and for all I’m in a polyamorous relationship I still have this nagging voice, at the back of my head telling me that I have no right to be like this. I have no right to want what I want, do what I do, love who I love. Looking around I find that people everywhere, my friends, my family, my… nearest and dearest have emotions, reactions, understandings that I don’t have a clue about. And this little fucking voice in the back of my head is making me forget all the times I’ve said, hey, fuck the world, fuck that the more I find out about this planet the more I realise that my views, my way of being, it’s a little bit like some things but it’s so completely different … and I think that that scares a part of me and so she keeps on talking in the back of my head and telling me I should be doing things that would kill me.

S’when I listen to that voice that I do the things that really fuck me over and I’m not careful about who I claw down with me when I get to that stage either. That’s the problem with being like me, poly plus me on my most snakelike descent into the swamp really don’t mix. I worry, I worry so much that me being like this is going to cause all those wonderful happy moments to leave and go away and never come back.

When I was so sad last year the best parts were dozing off in a heap with FJ and Lexy, going to have a late lunch with Mother-In-Law and FJ and breakfasting with FJ, Lexy and the Jellicle Cat.

Fuck the world. Just let me get out of this swamp so I can believe myself when I say that. Just let me get this voice out of my head teling me that being this weird doesn’t work, that I’m supposed to be a real girl because whenever I go down that road this is where I end up, this or somewhere close.

Course I’m blogging this after a dinner of pickled onions, pickled eggs and half a bag of icing sugar so I could be talking crap.

7 thoughts on “That Little Voice

  1. I shouldn’t say a post like that makes me smile, but it does. It makes me smile because I recognise some of the things that goes through your head – I was never a ‘normal girl’ or a ‘real girl’ and I always wondered why I’d have to love one person for the rest of my life. Then I met someone special who agrees that there is no need to be exclusive, that it is perfectly ok to love many people, and it is one of those things that makes me feel wholer. Having more than one love is such a rich experience, each one is different and fits another side of the multi-dimensional jigsaw. One may be soft and tender and full of shared moments, and infinitely deep, and another may be a contest of wills, but also based on mutual respect and understanding and a passion that makes your nerves tingle… but no less deep all the same. I never had a need to be like everybody else – my self doubt is elsewhere, I suppose.

  2. Hey,

    I don’t think you’re so dissimilar to "other girls". Traditional values end up meaning different things to different people, and even I don’t believe you honestly consider yourself to be the authority on how every female you know has decided to live their lives. If you were to start asking people the right questions about this sort of thing you may end up with a very interesting pile of answers.

    Saying that, if it’s this voice in the back of your head telling you to "be like other girls" that’s causing most of the misery in your life at the moment… I mean, would it make you happy if you started listening to it?

    I’d always suggest to be the person you want to be, rather than the person you expect yourself to be, but sometimes they can overlap in places. There are many worse places to be than this "normal" place that seems to be invading your thoughts so often. Really, it isn’t that bad, and being here doesn’t mean you automatically have to surrender your gender preferences or even change the number of people you’d like to share your life with.

    …I sound like a wanker, sorry. As someone who’s been where you are but eventually earned my "normal" badge, I have a lot to say about stuff like this. If you ever feel like hearing more, you know how to find me, otherwise please feel free to tell me to mind my own fucking business.

  3. Sorry, Mon, I think you’ve misunderstood my rather emo blog entry. When I’m happy with three or four people or doing what I do, that’s the voice that tells me I don’t deserve to be happy,that I’m making other people unhappy by my rather different choices. I’m not listening to it anymore than I can help and I’m certainly not going to go along with it. It’s actions are very alien to me and feel so utterly wrong that I’m not sure I could do justice to describing it. In fact I can’t because the very things that feel so alien to me are the things that I’m informed daily are totally normal and usual and desired. Thats the problem you see, what right do I have to find these things alien when everyone else gets so much joy out of them?

  4. Well, *are* you making other people unhappy with your choices? I mean, moreso than one could reasonably expect anyway, i understand its very difficult to have something like this where everyone even vaguely involved is 100% happy dancing smiley delighted, but as long as the people you really care about are fine, then your little voice needs to get tuned out.

    Just cos so many people lead happy and fulfilling lives with one partner of the opposite gender and never even think of living the kind of life you have, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to live your life how you desire. It’d be boring if everybody got their kicks the same way, and you know this stuff already.

  5. Yeah I do, but when I have swamp water running through my veins it helps to have someone else loudly repeating it.

  6. The trick, I think, is to strive to understand ourselves, and live our lives becoming who we are, whilst also endeavouring to understand both the other people in our lives and the society we find ourselves in.

    The feelings of right and wrong, or normal and alien, are very important starting points, but they tend to be tempered in unexpected ways on the journey from innocence to experience.

    There is room in our worlds for infinite diversity, but one way or another you have to pay the taxman and the ferryman!

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