So, morals, I do have them though I guess I’m a little too used to people assuming that I haven’t. So used to it in fact, that it seems as if I’ll make assumptions about what people think of my moral code as well as why. I guess at some point I got so used to people having a go with very little reason to back them up that I have slipped into assuming that most people thinking such things of me will have little reason and in deed I’ve gone so far that I assume motivation in people. It’s a bad thing when taken in combination with my habit of listening to gossip. And the thing with gossip is you have to remember that no matter how trusted it’s provenance it’s still what he said she said he said she said to him. No historian would countenance it.
Morals and guilt and anger. When I get angry at myself I have a horrible tendancy to project it outwards and I can be a self-righteous little bitch if I try. Or even without trying. I am so determined to live my life my way that my constant defence of that has me really nasty about other ways of living sometimes, which is a bit funny considering the rather varied lifestyles and choices of my friends. I don’t tend to really question why I’m friends with someone, just accept the spider-light and keep moving. Yet people have asked me to defend myself about the friendships that I do have (Christianity and Islam being this country’s favourite punching bags of course) but never about the friends who I view as making choices that I could never countenance myself making. My current aims are very self-centred and very career oriented, I think that most people my age are in similar positions, I don’t tend to make choices based solely on material wants and I’d find delighting in the material beyond a certain point to be wrong.
There we come to my sense of morality. It’s how I keep myself sane, sure, I don’t always get things right (Mish wa human desu!) even by my standards of good and evil. But it’s my rock of calm when people are arseholes, I know that I’ve done nothing wrong, I know where I’ve gone close to the line because I know where I draw that line. This year has been one of my worse years because it hadn’t even got to the end of January and I’d stepped over my line (not something I do very often) and it seems to take years and years to put things right when I do that. Why do I have such a strong sense of right and wrong? I don’t know. It’s certainly not fear of some god or other and not even of the Wiccan rule of Three, but theres something in me that must try and be good. Leftover Christianity perhaps? I’m not really sure about that though.
Even with a sense of morality I still get angry. I still do stupid things even if they aren’t (by my standards) bad. And I’m left making the assumptions, that when they get made about me really make me fume, and then something comes up out of left-field and I’m wondering where my morality would have me if I were confronted by myself.
I can’t help it, I’m always going to be left with moral choices that I have to consider, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way to be honest.