I know when I’m in a bad mood, I get horribly judgemental and start picking apart other people. It’s something I really don’t like about myself so I intend to stop doing it, easier said than done of course but the intention is there.
I suspect that if I really let myself go I could bitch for England and the worst thing is I can pick apart things I like, things I don’t like, things I adore, anything. I suppose it’s just a bad-tempered and rude way of deconstructing, someone told me the other day I obviously wasn’t post-modern enough as I hadn’t desconstructed myself and way of living into atheism yet. Well, I don’t particularly like to give myself the label of post-modern but in the twenty-first century UK I don’t think it’s possible not to be. I generally take this stance as regards atheism, and indeed pantheism – if I percieve myself and all the people around me as separate individuals and people then they may or may not be, they may indeed be figments of my imagination but other than sitting down and thinking about it do I really want to live my life as if this is so? The answer to that one is no, therefore why would I treat all the other kami of this world differently? Hence, the religiousity.
The world is so full I can’t imagine myself ever being satisfied with not pushing myself or aspects of my self, theres so much to do, so much to understand and so much world to see. Having said that though, I start from my little self-satisfied sphere of ego and with this job, the writing and the ever wonderful Jellicle Cat as well as, let’s face it my ability to get on pretty well with myself, I am very content with where I am and who I am right now. My aims, the grail and the publishing, I must stretch, I can’t not. It’s a journey and if I never reach the destination then I never do but I’m travelling, so much to do and so much to see.
Mother-in-Law hit on the reason I love this job the other day, I’ve finally found somewhere where I’m just myself. You can’t be yourself in front of a class, or at anyrate, I can’t be myself. You’ve always got to keep yourself apart from the class even if they’re adults and all my issues with schools and discipline are well documented. But I’ve discovered I tend to keep quiet in office situations and in the past my work mates have assumed all sorts of things about me that have been incredibly far from the truth, notably about my quiet, prudish nature. This office is different, I’m relaxed and just me, we natter and get stuff done (and today from the amount I multi-tasked anyone would have assumed I was a real girl! Not kidding, radio in one hand, phone under my other should and typing up two conversations at once!)
I’m doing lighting, a little shoddily unfortunately at the Gregson – I swear there isn’t a single amateur (and a good many professionals) who knows what a tech run actually is. Not that the Gregson leaves you with the ability to do a proper tech, it’s either a real tech or a real dress and unfortunately not both. But I do love being up a ladder messing around with lights and I do love talking with friends and argueing over whether mathmatics is an art (yes), a science, or (since yesterday) a humanity – if it’s a language then that makes it a humanity apparently.
I’m happy here, I’m not satisfied exactly, there’s a hunger in me for more and I don’t think that that’s ever going to abate.
I’m glad about that actually, I want to keep travelling, keep moving, keep going, keep doing.
Besides, haven’t found that Grail yet.