This morning told me the day wasn’t going to be a cheery one, a friend of mine just rang to tell me that he and his wife were separating. They’ve been together seven years. Another friend of mine was telling me about the ongoing saga of his and his girlfriend’s health problems, which are just getting worse and worse. I realise it was selfish but I couldn’t let myself get too upset, I knew I was going to be miserable for myself once I got to work.
Actually I’ve been pretty good up to about half an hour ago. It was just another day at work except that I brought licorice alsorts in for everybody. Everyone was being really sweet – it was a good day. My sort of boss from over the road came in to see me to say goodbye and that was ok too, then he said he was glad I’d got a permanent job that was more suited to my qualifications…
…I said huh?
Turns out he’d misunderstood a conversation I’d been having the other week about my tutoring, and hell I will call it that because it damned well is. What it isn’t is a permanent job.
He seemed so disappointed that I wasn’t walking into a nice permanent, full-time teaching position that I ended up saying all sorts of things to cheer him up, like you never know what I might walk into and you don’t know what’s around the corner…yeah because somethings been around the corner for me for the past two years.
I have to face the fact that I have sucessfully scuppered whatever career I may once have wanted and i’ve done it for the reason that I promised myself I never would, I always thought I’d turn around to any boyfriend or lover who was against my moving around the UK for reasons of job and explain that in your twenties career has to come first or else you may as well not want any sort of comfortable rest of your life. Well, the fact remains that I didn’t, coming back from Japan combined with personal relationship issues means that I fucked up my NQT year permanently. Now it seems that jobs I do apply for find my qualifications in the wrong direction and teaching positions see me as not qualified enough.
So what the hell do I do now? I’m still writing but is writing going to take off? I mean really, everyone else seems to have such confidence in me or is it just that they’re all friends and want to be seen to be encouraging? If I don’t do it now I’ve got no chance but equally I’m fairly unemployable now and without experience I can’t hope to get another job…on the other hand if I keep on spending everyday sending off job applications as I was when I got back from Japan then I won’t get any writing done and still won’t have any experience.
I’ve got a drivers licence now, thats supposed to make me a bit more employable but given that I’ve spend the last month at work (since I found out I hadn’t got the job) sending off application forms to all and sundry it doesn’t seem to have particularly made me more employable.
Wrong Mike just commented on Plodosexual’s blog that he looked at capable young women without employment and assumed they didn’t want any. Surely employers can’t be thinking that about me? Well it’s either that or they think I’m incapable. Maybe I am, I’ve significantly lowered my expectations in terms of what sort of jobs I’m applying for. I started off applying for graduate jobs but I guess I’m too long out of university now to be considered a graduate. Whenever I apply for shop jobs or low level admin jobs then I look too highly qualified. I don’t have enough experience to apply for anything managementy or really adminy though I thought I did on the grounds that teaching in Japan involves a huge amount of admin work. Looking at my CV, I used to be so proud of it and it looks pretty worthless actually.
I have office experience and sales experience and teaching experience but it’s all too bitty for me to actually get a job, I can make myself understood in four languages but I’m not fluent enough to get a job, I’m happy to commute for up to three hours but no one actually believes that and besides I’m not qualified enough to warrant that sort of commute, I’m too slap-dash and hopeful for people to believe I do a good thorough job of anything real, I’ll garden but I don’t really know what I’m doing so it’s only friends who employ me for that.
I’m nothing. All these stupid plans I have come to nothing in the end because I just can’t seem to make anything happen anymore. No one wants me, or what I’ve got because it’s useless to everyone. I’m trying, I’m really trying to hold on to those ideas I had yesterday, all that determination with what I was going to do.
I’m just moaning, by the time I get to tomorrow I’ll be up again, or at least not as down as I am now. I just beginning to struggle to see anyway forwards, I’m losing my optimism and belief in myself, I haven’t been able to make anything happen in a long time now. I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing here.