Once upon a time a friend of mine said I was motivated. Once upon a time I guess I was, I didn’t believe her at the time just knew I had to keep my days full. This year seems like whenever I start to be really busy I get knocked sideways and now I’m at the stage where I feel like there’s too much of everything.
I’m fed up of this, I need to get my mojo back, be busy again.
But I’m not giving up on the writing, I want to keep going with that and just because it seems like everyone is being dismissive of my trying to write doesn’t mean I’m going to give up, not yet. A few more rejections from publishers and ok I’ll give in to the consensus and stop trying to make some sort of living at it but I’m not being knocked away from it or being distracted, not yet.
I’m sad again. I seem to have spent most of this year being sad. I started this year knowing, absolutely knowing that this was going to be a year full of goodbyes but that’s the thing, my mojos gone, my souls score’s dipped, whatever way you want to put it, I’m too low to make it all right. So, get up start moving and get up again.
Once you stop wanting to move thats the point where you walk out across the sands and let the Bay take you. Not there yet, not immortal yet. The grail still calls.
…’If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!”…
Ok, one foot after the other, and again, and again.