Ok. I did not write the following but I hope my sex teacher won’t mind me reposting here whilst giving her full credit – MIDORI WROTE THIS (I just happen to like it a lot, talk to me about the first time I had sex sometime – that’s the phrase I prefer.)


Here’s a little known pet peeve of mine.
It’s the phrase “losing your virginity.”

It’s a common enough conversational topic about how we began our sexual journey. Yet the phrase is loaded with archaic and medieval notions of sexuality.

Even among many of the socially and sexually progressive you’ll hear that phrase tossed out without thought to the baggage it carries.

What messages are imbued in that phrase?

That we had something which is now and forever gone, and one is somehow lacking after sex. It implies that sex is only legitimate when it’s genitally penetrative and all other acts are, conveniently or insensitively, inconsequential. It implies that the act of penetration, despite intention and circumstances, defines a new phase of life.

An intact hymen, the vaginal membrane, proved the value of a young woman, as a marriageable property in the economics of family resources. It supposedly proved the moral value and character of a woman. In many parts of the world it still does, so much so that girls are murdered for a damaged hymen. In other parts of the world, plastic surgeons make a pretty penny off of wealthy young women seeking hymen reconstructive surgery.

Boys rarely suffer character tarnishing from the first penetrative act. Rather, they were considered to gain something, often at the cost of the girl, like some weird and tragic zero sum game.

For people whose first genital penetrative event wasn’t consensual, or wasn’t about sex or pleasure, the phrase often forces them to forever define their sexuality from that incident on.

All this just doesn’t seem right if we want to create a just and humanistic world, which recognizes sexuality as part of the whole personhood.

“When did you claim your sexuality?”

This is how I prefer to phrase the questions. How’s that for a new twist on words and implications?

Sexuality is part of one’s humanity. Sexual responsibility is part of adulthood responsibility, to be taken seriously and reverently as all other grown-up privileges. We can choose to look at sex as something that happens to our passive body, like the measles, or we can consider sex as something we participate in as active agents.

We learned to ride a bike. We weren’t taken for a ride by the bike.

Ask yourself “when and how did I claim my adult sexual rights?”

How does that feel?

Next time the topic comes up, ask, “When and how did you claim your sexuality?”

And see how the attitudes and answers shift.

Give it a try. It’s really interesting.

Wishing you peace and pleasure!


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