To Me When I Was 16:
Yeah, I really am living in the twenty-first century – friend of mine discovered time machines! Anyway, I’m writing to you eleven years down the line. No seriously, I’m still alive! And the bathroom incident isn’t the closest it comes to not being this way – a guy in South America pointed a machine gun at me!
Proof this is me – (and therefore you) – the other letter is underneath the floorboards in my sister’s room near the radiator. Hah, you know it’s me now.
First, you are in love. It is the real deal, no, you are not too young please admit this to yourself. It is going to get worse, he’s also too immature to deal with his feelings. It is going to fuck him up just as much as you though and you will end up sharing a bed together but not for a long time. You won’t have sex but it will be so worth it. However, he is not worth getting drunk over. Particularly, and this is important do not get drunk over him at your best friend’s eighteenth. I’ll say that again, do not get drunk then, do not get so drunk you pass out, do not get drunk at your best friend’s eighteenth.
If you do, your conclusions are right about how to get over it, just try not to be so mechanical over it. It is possible to have sex with your friends and you really should. Also, do not put off going to see McKinley on the Monday. This is important and if it happens you will know why.
Second, Mum and Dad don’t want to know that you’re bi. (Oh yes, you’re bi, it is a valid sexuality, stop careening between wierd lesbian and weird straight girl) Don’t try and tell them, especially not in the Cross Keys, just try and respect their feelings, it will get easier with time. Don’t take everything Dad says so personally. Assuming you get this on your sixteenth birthday, you are going to pass the exams no problem (don’t you dare stop revising Biology on these grounds), the other things that are going on whilst you’re taking them will be stressful – it is not all your fault. NO ONE KNOWS entirely what is going on in other people’s relationships but there is no way someone from the outside can cause cracks or problems within someone elses relationship EVEN if they’re related.
When you get your GCSE results they are Good. Don’t ring around your friends on that day, they all pass fairly well too, their parents are going to congratulate them more – Mum and Dad did not see you putting in what they think of as effort. Accept the congratulations that Richard and Anne give you – they’re going to give you and your sister the run of the sauna and jacuzzi for a whole night. This is a fabulous congratulations. Mum is going to be relieved by your results, this does not reflect disappointment in you only in a mis-understanding of how you work. If you want her to be impressed then explain to her what the revision chart in your room is – she thinks it’s a series of doodles.
Your biggest fear is not true but your Depression is going to get worse, it’s ok you get through it. Please work towards your A-Levels even though you’re Depressed. If not just try doubly hard to revise Art History as section C on your History A-Level paper will be covered by this as well – look at the Communist Artists. Mum does notice you’re Depressed she just doesn’t know what to do about it, if you tell her about it she might be better at it. Your Depression will lead you into making technically bad choices regarding university. Just go with it, in the end it does turn out for the best.
Don’t worry about all the sex advice people keep asking you for, most of it’s pretty good. But the wierd tongue flick does not work on every girl, just her. Don’t think the guys are weird for asking you, you are probably the most approachable girl there is. Do go and play football on the tennis courts when Scutcher asks you, they do mean it and it will be fun.
Well done about the contraception by the way, you’ve got the right idea there.
You make a lot of mistakes when it comes to other people’s feelings. This will make more sense to you later on in life, at the moment try and respect them by rote. There’s a lot of wonderful fun to be had once you get to uni, you are right about that. Also, go for the job in the shop, you’ll be able to stay up in the uni town for the holidays and this will work out really well in the end.
Don’t stay with him after sixth form, whatever has happened over those two years you need some space to become George Sand for a bit. The least you owe him is to do it honestly. That you are built for and does work out the way you hoped. You are never going to guess who ends up in the long-term relationship with you though – no seriously, it’ll blow your mind. Discovering about polyamory is also important. You have a pretty good preparation for it but it can’t hurt to have more.
Don’t be afraid to give advice when it comes to poly, by the time you get there you will know what you’re talking about.
I’m writing to you from a pretty good point in my life. It takes a lot of shit to get here but you can weather it, more importantly you learn to take it and make it a part of you. You know most of the theory of everything you need for the next ten years. The nude modelling you’ll get on a course this summer. As soon as you leave home you can put it into practice. Also, if you could take Aunty Cathy’s post office account and buy shares in Google (no really, you’ll know what it is in a bit – watch the internet) this will also make life infinitely easier.
Please keep up the yoga and the swimming, these are good habits and your asthma will appreciate it later. Oh, and from 2004 – 2006 you’ll have total asthma free years, I’m not telling you why but it’s a brilliant reason.
(yeah, kept it!)
3 thoughts on “Dear Me”
Holy shit it finally worked.
I love you.