The Torture of the Mind

One thing I have to admire about my mind is it;s tenacity when it comes to freaking me out. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed, again, but when The Jellicle asked if I’d had nightmares I happily responded that I hadn’t. It was obvious to me that I had slept badly, which I thought was a bit of a shame as the wind outside had provided a most excellent lullaby to fall asleep by, but that was all. No nightmares I said and dozily tried to get myself up.

I sleepily listened to the Today Programme talking about Alestair Crowley and thought about writing a blog entry about the new morality not being a bias against Christianity (as claimed by the lawyer representing the Pentecostal Christian couple who were asked not to foster because of their bias against homosexuality) but rather being a new prudery and excuse for not knowing about sex. This was prompted by the interviewee muttering his way embarrassedly through Crowley’s attitudes to sex instead of putting a thoughtful point about Crowley living before widespread knowledge of STIs and pop psychological understandings of power within relationships. (Yeah, expect a blog about that sometime soon).

I made pancakes whilst Melvin Bragg headed a discussion on Free Will and Determinism and discovered I pretty much agree with Hume, another blog entry in the offing about different thought models perhaps.

Then I got in the car with the pancakes to go and see Penguin. It was getting into the car that felt uncomfortable, a sudden panic about not having insurance…but that’s ridiculous says my rational mind, I have insurance, don’t be silly. As I continue to drive more ‘memories’ flood my mind, of having a van crash through my back window, and yet I’ve never been in an accident. Driving down the A6 towards where I’m meeting Penguin I have a sudden pressing feeling against my chest and the utter conviction that yesterday I was being slowly crushed beneath the crumpled car that I am in fact sitting in and driving. These things are obviously not things that have happened…

…oh…wait…so you’re telling me I did have a nightmare last night. I just didn’t remember it until I got into the car? Thats not fair.

So last night’s nightmare involved me driving to see The Princess, swinging around a roundabout a white van (which I do believe my mind nicked from when I got knocked off my feet aged eleven) smashes the back window and drives off. I call my insurer, who deny that they insure me. Some policeman (huh…isn’t that the guy who cautioned me aged fifteen?) appears and tells me that because I have no insurance I have to get on a bus home and cannot visit The Princess. I’m using about six different mobile phones at this point and all the paperwork that I have is not being recognised by the Insurance Company as proof of insurance.

So I get on a bus, and then another and then another. None of them are going to Castle Lune, they’re all headed to The Green County and Fish Town. After struggling to get anywhere I turn back and end up back at the car which I decide I have to try and drive back to Lancaster even though I don’t have any insurance. Maybe I can drive back up and lie to the police because I have all the papers for insurance even though I don’t have any. But all the cars know that they don’t need to worry about hitting me because I have no insurance. More and more of them hit me, including The Riddling Gatekeeper.
(I’m amused by what my mind picked for that one. Stressed by a Yellow Sign event last year he really cheered me up by a friendly wave from his car to mine. My brain inserted that image as in the dream he back into my car repeatedly.)
Eventually I was under the crumpled car, unable to reach my mobile phone to get help. Possibly dying, possibly just unable to breathe. Which I suppose comes to the same thing.

I have this feeling that last night was spent sort of waking and sort of going back into this repetetive elongated and twisty dream.

You’ve got to admire the mind of a Horror ref, slowly and surely my mind is working it’s way through the things I do to relax and the people I enjoy hanging out with and associating them with horribleness.

Roleplaying – check
Hiking – check
Driving – check

I’m willing to bet swimming and travelling are coming next and I’m also missing FJ, Weasel and the Jellicle. Now if could just scare other people as well I’ll be doing pretty well.

I do wonder what the functionality of the nightmare is. Whether I will be so innured to feeling on that day when the insurance company refuses to recognise me as a customer or be completely able to function because I know how panicked I could get unable to find my path when lost hiking. Or maybe I just want to torture myself and I know exactly which knives to twist?

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