I really dislike anger, I don’t get along with it. In others (especially men) it makes me scared (and thus usually snappish and confrontational). In myself…well I get the urge to hit things, dig into the ground like it offended me or just scream a lot and I really, really don’t like it.
Now, regular readers (Hi Archie!) of this blog may have noted the amount of grouchy posts of late. Guess what I’m skirting the Swamp and have discovered that grouchiness is something of a (really bad) defence. Well last night I plunged into the Swamp wholesale – why? Because Weasel was late with my shopping, because people turned up ‘late’ (by which I mean not early) to the game at mine and because my meringue wasn’t Delia Smith perfect…in short the whole lot of nothing that were I not skirting the Swamp I wouldn’t notice.
Interestingly enough I now have some serious comparison between the feeling bad of Depression and the insanity inducing crazy of Hormones. Depression leaves you able to think but with little willpower, Hormones leave you with willpower but unable to process thoughts logically.
Today I had a variety of things to do including preparation for Witches on Sunday, popping into town to see the Naiad and writing (not just VIP downtimes with Weasel but you know that thing I do most days in order to try and become creatively successful…)
What I got blasted with today was having my life, and all my insecurities (which I admit are flashed across the internet for all to see) picked at and picked at in order that someone else feel better about their life.
I’m really angry that someone do that whilst I’m feeling vulnerable.
I’m really angry that I’m feeling vulnerable.
I’m really angry that I still haven’t made this work yet.
I’m really angry that I’m judging myself by materialistic standards.
I’m really angry that even if I were judging myself by artistic standards I don’t measure up.
I’m really angry that I’m judging myself.
I’m a goal oriented person. I think if I’d gone down the normal career-path route, y’know the one I was clearly supposed to go down having been trained for it ‘n all, I’d be managing pretty well. Goals are all very well but trying to make them happen in a creative environment sucks and is far more difficult than in the boxlike world of a traditional office. This may well be self-delusion, it may well be some sort of excuse to all you internet peoples as to why I’m to all intents and purposes living off my partner despite claiming to be an independent woman, but I believe it.
I just applied for a minimum-wage part-time job in Spar and today I got made to feel as if that were all I was capable of doing.
That really pissed me off.