The back of my mind still subscribes, annoyingly enough, to the idea that I am not ‘a gamer’ – whatever that means. I don’t play ‘real games’, in my head. This despite the fact that I love Zelda, that I have actually played one MMORPG (Secret World) and that I will join in and play computer games… but there’s this idea that I am not ‘a Gamer’. It absolutely is because I don’t play FPS games.
I’ve enjoyed watching esports for fucks sakes, I mean I don’t think many people get up at stupid o’clock to hang out online with a mate in the antipodes to watch a whole lot of South Koreans and Americans play Halo. That was pre-pandemic so I really don’t think I understand where this idea in the back of my mind comes that I don’t enjoy games… except that I suppose I do. It’s the usual Mish-problem, I don’t do it in the usual way, I don’t enjoy them with the culturally able to follow subcultural signals and I know it. I need to get into the habit of describing myself as a casual gamer rather than this constantly thinking of myself in the negative.
I died in Stray tonight, I got through to a difficult section with violence just after a very enjoyable evening of chilling out as a cat with robots. I hated it and felt ‘I am not a gamer’ in full force, looking at it the emotional response is clearly on some level an ASD one. And you could make the argument that the over-connection with animal protagonists in games is as well I suppose.

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