Crying in the Rain

Spent the day with M-I-L playing puzzle games while FJ is in London. Gossip, decorative style and writing were the topics of the day. She is much better and more organised at writing research than I am, surprising no one I would guess.

It was a good day. Then I drove home in the rain and sat outside my house for about twenty minutes absolutely sobbing. Which I could have done without.

Actually what I really could have done without is the feeling of familiarity that washed over me. There was a point last year where I panicked because I was so happy, not proper panic but this moment of panic at the sense of unfamiliarity. This year nothing is that unfamiliar and I’m crying in the car for no reason. I suppose I’m worried now, if I’m back down on the ground having dealt with the Disassociation then does that really have to mean I get Depressed? Surely it doesn’t. I hate how familiar this feels, I wanted the happy but it just made me panic so I guess now I’m back to familiar days tinted by sadness. That’s not how I want any of this to work.

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