I love The Princess but her attitude to death I find weird. It really bugged me her not wanting to talk about the serious bits after Dad died and how she actively flinched from his box of ashes. I’ve been thinking a lot about death this week because it’s been a year since Dad died. The Princess didn’t want to talk about it and said it was disturbing to mark the days people died.
I have a couple of friends who keep their dead parents Facebook accounts live and post through them, that I find weird and kind of disturbing, especially on the anniversaries of their death.
But it’s only been a year, my feelings are strange and complicated and I need to put them somewhere.
I’m in therapy at the moment. (Again, some more). I’m finding that I feel my emotions physically. Like, I couldn’t tell you that I’m happy or sad but I can tell you my skin is tingling or that there’s a grip around my throat and then give me some hours or a day and I can figure out that I was happy or sad or whatever.
I need to touch and taste and roll around in my feelings, I needed to sit and have a drink with Dad after he’d died. I knew that he’d find my wanting to view his body disturbing, I guess like The Princess, but I need to know the feelings of things. I need to feel the sad and disturbing because that’s how I know it. Maybe I am some emo-come-lately I don’t know but I need the disturbing as well as the fun birthdays and christmases.