Feeling A Bit Broken

A difference between LARP and real life, in LARP you can’t wait to get out the awesome tragic backstory that you wrote and entice people into crying with you. In real life the feeling of the conversation is more akin to being sick. Like, oh now I have to tell this cool person I’m actually a bit broken.

I have been dealing with my creative blocks and problems with destruction for years now and this year I was really beginning to make some progress. Admittedly a lot of that is minuscule and interspersed with a bucketload of snotty crying at my therapist via Skype but it felt like a process going in the right direction.

Then there was this game over the weekend. It turned out to be about the repetitive creation and destruction of art. Or at any rate my part of the game was. The game had a preplay and an epilogue, both were fantastic. I left the former on a complete high, the latter as low as I’ve been lately.

I made stuff based on an old riff for this game – that you have to look to find what’s really there. And following that epilogue – which hit me hard I’ve spent a day feeling like I’m eighteen again with untreated depression.

Only now does it occur to me, I really didn’t need to tell the cool person all the details. In a LARP this would have me buzzing, right now I just want to crawl into a hole and vomit.

I like it when people think I’m interesting to talk to, I like it when people think nice things about me but if I’m having a bad day then it makes me feel guilty. Oh and today was the type of bad day the last year’s stress has been heading towards for no little while. Long term readers no I’m not going to top myself, recent readers that is not a concern.

Stress management sucks, trying to figure out whether I’ve been attempting to lower my sertraline dosage because therapy is going well or because my Mum told me she thought I was wrong to take medication in the summer or because I’m eating ridiculously. Also trying to figure out whether to play the LARP this coming weekend as when I submitted the character sheet I thought I might dip my toes into some darker drama and now I’m not in that same headspace.

Christ I love bleak roleplay but I was not prepared for it. I feel sideswiped by The Swamp and now I’m struggling. More. Again.

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