The Relief

(Content Warning – my mental health is still not great and this is a musing about that)

The last couple of weeks has been bad when it comes to my mental and physical state. Then, driving home from the Empire event a friend messaged me. And my entire body relaxed. The whole conversation I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, that worse was to come, that there would be confirmation that I was a bad person. Well there you go, that’s the emotional/mental bad place that I’m in currently.

There’s always going to be, I think, a part of me that assumes I am wrong, that I have acted as poorly as the response I’ve elicited indicates. A lot of the entries the last couple of weeks are me trying to get on top of that narrative in my own head. But honestly, when I’m told that I haven’t by the person I’ve upset – that’s more than a relief.

Then comes the worry – is this too much? Is this emotional reaction more than it should be? I think honestly no, I think this is overwhelming because of the poor state that I am still in, but the emotional response is a reasonable one. I think.

Now if I can get through the next week without my physical health screwing me over due to all this mental and emotional coming and going that would be very nice.

Something does occur to me though, all through this last couple of weeks I’ve had this emotional wash of trust and hope and love (in its broadest sense), is that actually the percolation through all this miasma that of a genuine sign of emotional health? Like it’s not all gone, I am getting through this?

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