Sense of Self

Something strange happened at the weekend which I didn’t notice at the time. I asked someone how many partners they had, they said five serious and two play and I said whew that’s too many.

The thing is, that didn’t used to be, for me I mean obviously. I’m not even talking pre-Jellicle when it was all just lovers. I suppose it does depend on your definition of partner but I like individual relationships to define themselves. For a while I said three or four partners and a couple of lovers was my limit. Last year I definitely felt as if I was at my limit with four partners and being involved with two of them together and separately.

But suddenly the idea of more than two seems overwhelming. The idea of popping about to visit my lovers, which I was getting energy from last summer, is too much. I can’t tell if my ideas have changed as life does, organically or if this is another part of myself that got blown up by events last year and now I’m struggling to reassemble and regroup.

For someone with a usually quite definite sense of self the sense of splitting apart my entire psyche having happened gradually enough for me not to notice is very unpleasant.

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