Hollow Hanami

(Content Warning: Mental Health navel gazing)

Today I got up and made two types of onigiri, some dango and not a great version of Mochi. As is traditional the Jellicle and I were late to get to the picnic under the cherry blossom and DS Luke, Arg Mike and The Live Rep were there before us eating sushi on the rock.

People showed up and ate food, no FJ or M-I-L alas but Chibi Laura showed (and promised to make me Japanese food some Thursday or other).

The Girl with the Golden Hair climbed the cliffs, it was very Hanami, how it usually is after a couple of very pandemic years.

It felt somehow hollow to me. I’m not sure if that’s because I’d had hopes of taking this picnic down to Swansea this year or if there were enough people missing that the social balance felt off to others. I don’t think anyone else found the gathering off, they certainly all looked like they were enjoying themselves

I am beginning to wonder if I am depressed? I certainly came much closer to that than I thought earlier this year but to be quite honest I was mostly just dissociating to an extreme amount. I’m left with the thought that I had a few weeks ago, that this doesn’t feel like my Depression, it’s not the old familiar pathways of The Swamp. This is different, is this Depression post mental break? Did I dismantle my brain to the extent that in remaking it I’m experiencing everything slightly off? Or is this something different?

I have to admit I am slightly regretting not taking the doctor up on their offer of Sertraline last December. Though perhaps if this is some form of dissociation then Sertraline really wouldn’t have helped. The time it really helped though was when my emotions were at variance with the situation at hand.

I probably don’t want to start on Sertraline only a few days before (hopefully) starting on ADHD meds. My mental health was a lot simpler when I thought it was only Depression or at least that was the main symptom.

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