External… I Guess Everything

I’ve been concentrating on therapy to deal with trauma symptoms – trying not to dissociate and remain in the present, and appreciating that some of it does apply to dealing with ADHD. Mostly the stuff about staying in the present and getting organised.

However, I’m really struggling with any of the organised elements of work right now. I’ve missed shifts had I been unable to get out of bed (which happened a couple of times in December) then I could have put that down to The Swamp but it’s more like my brain is just completely full and all my usual things are just not automatically happening.

Seeing friends is hugely variable too. I can’t seem to keep anything inside my brain at all. So I’ve been reading, and in some cases rereading, how to manage ADHD as an adult – there’s got to be an upside for having this knowledge for work.

I’m definitely not well right now, there’s huge overlap between all the symptoms, it’s a matter of trying to treat them in different ways to try and figure out what works. I’m thinking about getting back on Sertraline except that I don’t think it’s Depression – or maybe I’ve managed the suicidal ideation so well that this is Depression without the urge to kill myself? That doesn’t seem quite right to be honest.

The thing that I have reminded myself of with the ADHD though is that I rely on externalising things that happen inside NT brains. A lot of the ways I get myself to do things are me having external motivators that I just haven’t identified as such before. A lot of my interactions online come down to providing me with the dopamine or whatever it is to get tasks moving.

I read earlier that things get lost inside brains with ADHD, that feels like a horribly apt way of describing what it feels like to me. So I suppose I’m trying to run lines down all the labyrinthine tunnels in here. Make sure there’s a good camera system to pick up where things end up.

There’s a lot of things that I have previously had in place that I’m realising where coping mechanisms and strategies that have been misidentified and taken away that really need to be put back. I have an ECG booked and that’s the last thing I need checked before heading towards medication but my entire brain needs a spring clean and as much sorted out rather than just aiming for the meds first.

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