(Content Warning, some mention of real world emotional states)
I LARP to cry. Specifically I LARP to properly sob, ideally crawling around spottily expelling deep sadness.
I LARP to bleed.
Not literally, I mean the Nordic term where you access your real emotions in order to further the scene. I guess I method LARP. Or, as I’ve said before, I LARP for catharsis.
I was absolutely caught out by Giovanni this year, specifically suddenly discovering myself in a relatively sweet threesome and then coming home with a sudden access to the emotions that I was feeling, I dunno, last September as opposed to where I had been in January this year. I’ve never had I guess bleed in that way. An outside game emotional state that appeared after a LARP situation, albeit it didn’t come from nowhere it existed but I had thought I’d worked through the emotions except that suddenly there they were again.
Is this a function of my still being surprisingly delicate or is this just some random thing that my way of LARPing occasionally produces? I genuinely don’t know and it’s not something I quite know how to deal with. I know how to deal with emotions when they come from situations, sure I am feeling things so much more deeply than I was which is a whole new set of things to deal with, but I know how to do what I’m supposed to. The emotions themselves cycle, some days I’ve been fine and others as miserable as I’ve ever been.
But this, sudden reset, following LARP? That’s very new and unexpected. Accessing the emotions within the game is often a bit more deliberate than quite so fallen into but to suddenly be in the situation and the emotional state to suddenly be there, and because it’s so heavily associated with a real world situation I’m feeling horribly lost about it.
There’s no costume to take off, I’ve already written out my game summary, and here this is. I don’t know? Do I write out some kind of summary of the real world situation to try to exorcise it? I have to admit I kind of don’t want to. I suspect that might not be a bad idea. But this is very new and confusing this strange reverse bleed echo.