Was and Am in Sharp Relief

Honestly it’s my reactions to CodeKitty and The Funniest that are so godsdamned weird. Running around with my lovers creating art and writing. That’s what I did, that’s what I was aiming for. And then suddenly it’s too much?

I felt so attractive last year, I was really feeling driving to visit my lovers and now I just want to withdraw into myself. It’s not as if my two girlfriends make me feel unattractive, quite the reverse, but there’s a sense of self that I am very much lacking that I was so heavily feeling last year. The dumpy woman who helps out the waifs and strays is so much my background default and no one rates my writing or art and then I was new and exciting to people and I kinda felt like I was exciting and an artist again, but I wasn’t really, I was just getting things wrong as ever.

There’s a real deep core of me that misunderstands situations and I think realistically that’s the sense of self I need to remember rather than getting carried away with thinking I’m my best self, the mistakes get worse the older I get because no one is expecting them. Even I think I’m beyond them, like I know how social situations work and realistically I need to ask more questions even now even when the questions themselves are perceived as odd.

I do not feel like myself right now, this misery is the most familiar thing I’ve felt in some time, some time – I mean about five months I’ve been feeling like the background sadness isn’t really my own, this is at least familiar if horrible. This is the usual sadness.

The thing was quite how full throated it all felt in comparison to the wide stringed love I’d been sustaining myself on, the coffees with friends, the helping out my waifs and strays all suddenly felt so much lesser last year. Realistically I think it’s probably the numbness of trauma followed by falling in love after having accessed my emotions more genuinely and more directly but now? Now I’m left… in this weird dissociated state not feeling at all like myself and honestly looking at women who remind me of myself feeling almost completely detached from them.

Am I even an artist anymore or did I lose that in the numbness? How do I even get back to the point I was at where the feeling is raw but not so reminiscent of awful that I can stand the feel it. How do I get back to myself or have I actually lost track of who that is in ten years of numbness and five months of psychological shock?

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