So, I started blogging in 2002, this site’s archives go back to 2003, I have been struggling to explain what I’m doing with this since the beginning. Never mind to anyone else to myself as well. I have used the phrase “something to entertain myself on the train” and overused the word diarise frankly. It’s got me into trouble before, this need to write it down out here in public, because I am very interested in other people and what I think of them.
I definitely use this as stress relief, writing to get things out of my head so they don’t live in there stressing me out. But if this were just stress relief then honestly it would be in a book next to my bed. It’s not and it’s not really for anyone other than me despite being online. I don’t write for an audience, I’m not trying to market this to anyone, I’m writing this for me. Camming and blogging really appealed to me in a way that I’ve struggled to articulate.
I have largely put it down to some need for attention. I’m not convinced I’m actually as much of an attention seeker as I have been accused of and sometimes persuaded myself that I am. Then I read something about managing ASD by giving you an invisible audience to perform for. That struck a chord. There’s something about performing for an invisible audience that not only really works for me but it heavily fits into why I like reality tv, why a lot of my art turns out the way it does and I think maybe it explains how I get myself to a deadline in a lot of ways too. It certainly explains why I chose to do a great deal of this round of therapy homework online – because starting it out here means that I actually follow through with it far more than when I keep it in my notebook for my eyes only.